Ashes To Ashes

Well, tis the eve of the 2nd worst day of my life and all in all I feel.... calmish. Not had a chance to feel much else really as sandwich making and shopping for the sandwich making has taken up most of my day as mother was being her usual trying self, even 'LS' saw it today, what I'm dealing with, the sheer helplessness, not sure if it's real or putting it on to be honest but either way it's driving me up the pole! She's totally cooked too much grub, we'll be eating it for weeks - great!! The best thing was spending time with 'LS' as we really do click in a weird fate'ish, meant to be mates kind of way, if only I'd found this out sooner, known her for 20 years then we discover we can be as close as sisters, wasted time, it's a shame.

Had to pop to dad's cousin's to use his printer as mine wasn't playing ball, in other words I couldn't be arsed to set it up. Have got it working now and it's printed off my eulogy lovely, so the hour or so I spent round there wasn't needed, made us late for making the wake food, ugh, nightmare, oh well, it was my own fault for asking to use it.... and who the feck updates their Windows just before someone comes round? Not exactly the right time to be sitting there waiting for that to sort its life out... jeesh.

I don't know how I feel about tomorrow, if my mother breaks down it'll be weird and tough, I can't comfort her, I just can't, I still remember the look of hate in her eyes the day she went for me because I wouldn't go to school one day when she'd wheeled me round on a bike to try and get me in and I'd refused point blank (I was shit scared of one of the teachers, he bullied me awfully), pure hate it was I swear... and that stopped any connection with her in any form right there. I don't want to have to go through this, really I don't. I suppose tomorrow will be full of false sentiment and insincere handshakes, hugs and kisses, as most events like this are, I just want to get through it in one piece, without making a show of myself, no doubt mother will wheel out the "Oh, Caroline has been great, don't know how I would of managed etc etc" line now company are here to witness it, typical, she won't say it to me when we're alone though, oh well. Got my eulogy printed and ready, a readout from paper has been tested and it all worked so yes, I can do this and I'm going to, because my gut tells me so and that I trust more than anything, wish me luck, I'm going in......

Capri For Me

Well, I tried to go out and do normal things, like go to a car show... which I did, and it was very pleasant. Had a good old drool over the Capri's as usual, I will own one one day, I'm determined I will at some point but I'd better start saving in a serious manner. The ex can smell the money and seems to be being extra nice to me, wonder why? Hmmmm, well let's think.....  I'm wise to him though, he won't get a pot to piss in from me!

It's going to be short and sweet today, I'm so tired I need my bed, I'm so tired I. I can't type. Need some decent sleep and fast.....

The Steady Plod

Well, I'm still plodding on, lots of stuff to be doing still but I'm making a dent in the pile slowly. So many things to do and people to tell, it is exhausting frankly at times but I'm still going. My friends have been a tower of strength and I can't thank them enough for it, they've kept me going, especially 'LS' who has been fantastic.

'LS' has been assaulted by her man today and I'm fuming at him, want to batter him for touching her, it's never ok to do that. I suppose violence back isn't the answer but I don't want her hurt anymore, she's worth more than that. She's got the most generous heart and soul of any person I have ever met, and I will protect her if I have to, whatever that takes.

I've actually had a day of doing nothing, apart from chat on the phone to friends, not related to father at all! I did have a bit of a breakdown moment last night over the death announcement in the newspaper, just made it too damn real for a minute. Also I have to approve the final details for the order of service book for the funeral as mother is 'too stressed', what fun eh? Still, we'll get through.

Going to a car show tomorrow, hoping for some light relief there, it's a classic ford one so Capri's ahoy! I love drooling over them and maybe when mum sells the house she might buy me one eh? Oh yeah.....we can hope, haha.