Flashing By

Oh hey, I blinked and now it's September.... bloody hell, 3 months til the C word, the first one I will have to spend enforced time with my mother, and my ex, oh great, kill me now. The first one without father and that will be weird but I fully intend to cook dinner for my mum this year and she'll do absolutely nothing, I have decided, she deserves to be spoilt for once, it's up to me to make it happen, and I will, I'm a determined pro in the Christmas lunch stakes.

The guns didn't get valued and I'm a bit suspicious why, the guy that was supposed to do it just gave mum his 'expert' opinion, hmmmmm. I know dad trusted him to be the car mechanic and because of him the car passed the MOT today but a gut feeling doubt is niggling at me that something doesn't smell entirely right with this whole scenario. He reckons dad's best gun is only worth about £250, that doesn't sound right.... I may be wrong as I am no expert but I will research it. If it's indeed a low value item then I may as well keep it for the memories, I have a watch, a hammer and a potential gun as my inheritance and that'll do me, don't want a stake in the house thanks very much, that's mum's.

Had quite a bad hypo tonight, that's 2 severe ones in about 3 weeks, maybe I should consult the diabetic nurse?

Standing Our Ground

My first visit to a solicitor today, lucky me, I've not been arrested or anything... yet, this is all probate related, ah we love that word, it's my mother and myself's fave word right now... not! It looks like we'll be going through it whatever happens as the 'estate' (I use that term loosely) is too large, er, it's just a house, which belongs to my mother, when it's all sorted. I'm going to keep quiet and say nothing about my supposed share of it, I don't want anything from my mother, I'm not sucking at life so I'm perfectly happy to plod on as I am, leaving her to decide her own destiny, for the first time in her life. Apparently it needs adding to the land registry or something, more money, they know how to extract it well it seems.

It's all gobbledygook to me, I'm sure they understand it all, well at least I hope they do! It all needs to be done before any changes so we have to get mum's house valued so we know exactly the prices for fees and suchlike, fun. The guns are being valued tomorrow, so another loose end tied up as we find out the worth of that lot. I'd still like to keep it but I'm resigning myself to the fact I may not be able to, in fact my interest is waning when I think about the £150 and how that could take me on a relaxing holiday to Yorkshire instead.... I'm torn. I'm not money driven at all, the value of the Aya gun wouldn't sway me unless it could cure all our money woes in one hit, then it might, purely as a consequence of father's inability to think things through his only offspring could lose out on keeping it as an important memory, a legacy gone because he thought he was cleverer than he actually was, sad thought really but what can I do? Rock and hard place. Meh, it'll sort itself out in time, I can't drive myself nuts any more over it, I'd be joining the father in the hole if I carried on the way I was, not healthy.

Getting It Done

Another day, another round of frustrating father related info! The DVLA are insisting mother tax the bloody car again when it changes into her name, despite the money coming from her account last time, and then having to wait for her money to be refunded.... to herself! It's like a carousel, more meaningless and pointless bureaucracy I have to bloody wade through, seriously, someone is going to have to stop me hanging myself on my shoelaces very soon. However, success in the 'getting 3 months bank statements for grant' dept, thank f*ck, can post that tomorrow, sorted out right before I went insane, not a moment too soon! And then we made an appointment to see a solicitor to see about probate on Friday, more hilarity no doubt as we find out just exactly the depth of shit we're in, accurate right down to the centimetre I hope so I know whether I'll need a snorkel.

On the way home I nipped to Asda and stocked up on brown piss, AKA Diet Coke, and finished off my saintly helping others type day by fixing the ex's computer, on a fast track to heaven now me... hope it moves faster than the fast track section in Argos or else I'll still be waiting to enter the pearly gates in the year 3000.

Tomorrow I hope to capture some tranquil peace by painting stones with my pal 'SG' and that will be a welcome distraction from everything for a couple of hours, ahhhhh..... bliss! Then there's talk of another beer guzzling sesh tomorrow night with my old friend from school 'J' who is the only one of them all I can be arsed to speak to these days, 2 pints max of course unless I slip into rampant boozehound mode, which I am prone to from time to time but luckily not often given my past with the drink. So yeah, not dwelling on stuff, not intending to, doing ok I think, hanging on in there.

Dust To Dust

Nailed it.... the eulogy that is. Was that ever in doubt? I think not.

I told you I would, watch me go. When I make up my mind to do something I fookin' well do it, and that's it, end of story, especially when mother says I can't, steely determination personified, stubborn as hell and bloody minded like my dear old dad. So yeah.... people seemed to like it, got a lot of compliments, especially his old work mates when I held up the hammer, it raised an audible chuckle and that's what I wanted, no sad shit, just let's all have a laugh about the good times. He wouldn't have wanted us all sat there with the sour puss... nah, he'd have been enjoying seeing all his work buddies, just like they enjoyed meeting up and seeing each other again, a reunion as such, how nice, I'm pleased. Anyway, he left the address, the place where he was born, for the last time about 11.50am in the hearse and yes I took pics, I won't look at them often but it's nice to have a record I suppose. It would have been nice if the bloke had opened the hall at 11am like he said he would, I nearly went mental! And then the undertaker got lost, good start, no? Mate 'S' managed to sob her way through my 'Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep' poem though, had to bounce up, rub her back and push her through it, maybe I should have done that after my eulogy myself? Might have cracked me up though.

I was ok with my mother crying a bit as we sat alone together in the first pew, all on our own. I held her hand for a bit, yes, I found the courage to reach out and I think she appreciated it. I on the other hand was completely in the zone, didn't even get close to shedding a tear, like an emotionless robot I was, I knew I'd have to go on autopilot but man.... surpassed myself there. Glad really, I had so many people to talk to and so many hands to shake that if I were a wreck I couldn't have done it. I threw dad his polos into the hole along with a rose, I never break a promise. Had a bit of diazepam to grease the wheels I won't lie and after 'S', the ex and myself adjourned to the pub I managed to get a bit pissed on 1 and a half pints of beer, oh the shame of my lightweightness! 'SG' came up to join up for a swift half and we had a jolly old time. Only ones that were missing was 'L' who came to the service as he promised me he would, but had to get off before we came up the pub, and 'LS' who wasn't well, it was nice to have a couple of mates there though to raise a glass to dad.

I was a bit disappointed with my flowers for £65, I couldn't hardly see they spelt out 'Dad' and it pissed me off a bit, they could have been done better frankly.... what do y'all reckon? Oh well, shit happens, bugger all I can do about it now. I wrote on the card 'Dad, will miss you more than you'll ever know' and that seemed to sum it up. I did end up catching the next door neighbour's grandson and having a good old chat, 'M' was like my little brother when we were growing up, I wrote about him a while back when he dad got attacked and they didn't know if he was going to live and despite the ridiculous row my dad was having with his parents and grandparents I felt in my gut I had to contact him. That was fantastic and now I have his mobile number and we'll stay closer than we have been I hope as I have been mates with him almost since the moment he was born, you can't get much more early than that for a blossoming friendship. So that was a positive thing out of a crappy day.

I survived in one piece, that was the main thing, now to start the healing, with a day of complete rest for me and deal with the rest of the shit he's left behind again tomorrow.

Ashes To Ashes

Well, tis the eve of the 2nd worst day of my life and all in all I feel.... calmish. Not had a chance to feel much else really as sandwich making and shopping for the sandwich making has taken up most of my day as mother was being her usual trying self, even 'LS' saw it today, what I'm dealing with, the sheer helplessness, not sure if it's real or putting it on to be honest but either way it's driving me up the pole! She's totally cooked too much grub, we'll be eating it for weeks - great!! The best thing was spending time with 'LS' as we really do click in a weird fate'ish, meant to be mates kind of way, if only I'd found this out sooner, known her for 20 years then we discover we can be as close as sisters, wasted time, it's a shame.

Had to pop to dad's cousin's to use his printer as mine wasn't playing ball, in other words I couldn't be arsed to set it up. Have got it working now and it's printed off my eulogy lovely, so the hour or so I spent round there wasn't needed, made us late for making the wake food, ugh, nightmare, oh well, it was my own fault for asking to use it.... and who the feck updates their Windows just before someone comes round? Not exactly the right time to be sitting there waiting for that to sort its life out... jeesh.

I don't know how I feel about tomorrow, if my mother breaks down it'll be weird and tough, I can't comfort her, I just can't, I still remember the look of hate in her eyes the day she went for me because I wouldn't go to school one day when she'd wheeled me round on a bike to try and get me in and I'd refused point blank (I was shit scared of one of the teachers, he bullied me awfully), pure hate it was I swear... and that stopped any connection with her in any form right there. I don't want to have to go through this, really I don't. I suppose tomorrow will be full of false sentiment and insincere handshakes, hugs and kisses, as most events like this are, I just want to get through it in one piece, without making a show of myself, no doubt mother will wheel out the "Oh, Caroline has been great, don't know how I would of managed etc etc" line now company are here to witness it, typical, she won't say it to me when we're alone though, oh well. Got my eulogy printed and ready, a readout from paper has been tested and it all worked so yes, I can do this and I'm going to, because my gut tells me so and that I trust more than anything, wish me luck, I'm going in......

Down And Dirty

Well. it half killed me but I filled in the dip in my mum's drive to stop the neighbours moaning, the one my dad made to piss them off, I hope he watched me fill it in.... I'll be struck down with lightning now, just watch, he'll be spinning in his coffin the moment they put him in it I bet you, sat on his cloud watching me scrape and shovel, his teeth gnashing at it all. Too fookin' bad father, I said I'd fix it and I have, to the best of my ability and the neighbours can kiss my ass if they don't like it.

Other than that I've not done a great deal, just a bit of shopping and poodling about. Had to drop in at the local pub and have a pint, mother was driving me nuts with her carefree an blaise attitude to important things, I give up with her at the moment, she's dragging her heels on everything and it's driving me nutzoid! Maybe I've shielded her too damn much in all this, maybe she needs to get down and dirty here in the trenches. Not once has she asked me how I'm coping, nothing, like I don't even count. I appear to be ok but I'm hurting too, I've not had time to stop and feel sad, I have organised every little detail... every single one, I don't know if I've finished my crying or what? Maybe these antidepressants are turning me into an emotionless zombie, don't want that!! Blimey, this is waaaaay too complex for me.

I have to go get my glasses fixed tomorrow now as the nose pads have come off and they're killing my snout, basically. Then we have to fit the ex into his pantaloons.....ooops, I mean his trousers, need to get my funeral clothes here and ready for Tuesday and do a shit load of practice on my eulogy so I have it spot on. I can do it, I know I can, I'm shy by nature but I have balls if needed and I'm not afraid to use them, because of course, I am my father's daughter after all.

The Sense Of Duty

Another day, another set of phone calls... obviously. I actually feel lost if I'm not phoning anyone now, how sad is that? Blimey, I need to get a life, or get my old life back.... not sure that's ever going to happen because now too much has changed to ever go back to what it was, I have new responsibilities now that I can't shirk with good conscience, sigh, life really did change for me on the 25th July 2018. It was the day I really became a true card holding, fee paying adult..... bound to happen sooner or later I suppose but it came so quickly I didn't even get to blink, that sucks.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself or anything really, been too damn busy!!! I've rung the bank and found out how to close dad's account, I've sorted out her car insurance so that's valid from the 31st, I've been and sorted out the difficult subject of charity grants and suchlike with the undertaker, like a big girl, because mother couldn't face it. Actually that was tough, not the bit about 'we're not paying you til the grant comes' through stuff but another thing. I was sat in the car outside, with the clothes that they are dressing him in to be buried, feeling the material of the jeans and the shirt, and that was damn hard knowing where they were going, to clothe him for his final journey. That felt worse than agreeing to parts of his body being used for medical science.... holy shit, I have done some stuff in this process that has been SO hard, to shield my mother from it mostly, to shield a woman who has treated me with contempt many times and thought - along with my father - that I was stupid and worthless, who said to her friend she wished she'd never had me.... that was nice to hear at 17, let me tell you. Yet now, here I am trying to take the incredible weight of all this on my shoulders and getting minimal gratitude, if any.... boy, I'm either a saint or a complete mug, you choose. Well, looks like old dumb f*ck here isn't doing too bad is she, eh?

What am I going to do if she starts crying in front of me on Tuesday? I haven't got a clue, I can't even touch her with compassion I feel so detached from her in the sense of a normal mother and daughter relationship, we've never really had one. I'm afraid I'm going to have to sit away from her and pretend it's because of the eulogy and getting up to speak and such like, so I can look the other way, that sounds awful but this woman has never shown me one single emotion in my life, or compassion to me, and I have not one idea how to comfort her.... I just can't, period.

Oh well, such is life eh? I'll soldier on. Might go see 'LS' tomorrow, might go fill that bloody dip in the drive dad made just to be awkward to the neighbours, such fun my life is!

Becoming The Lion

Something strange has happened to me in the last 2 weeks or so, I have become intensely protective of my mother. This is peculiar to me, we've never been 'close' at all, ever, yet if anyone tried to hurt or upset her now I'd rip their heads off. I'm all she has now, and she's all I have and suddenly I feel like the parent and she's the child in a way.... it's bizarre. Like the nonsense with the benefit people not paying her for 12 weeks, I would eat beans on toast and super noodles before I'd let her go without anything. I'd sell my Raleigh Burners, even though I love them, to feed her and pay her bills, no hesitation at all...... why? That's the question, why would I suddenly change my apathy, as such, and now become like a lioness guarding her cubs?

She's treating me like a substitute for my father, that much I have figured out, and if that's the way it's got to be for her to be happy and comfortable then, it will be so. I think she's too old and too set in her ways to become a independent woman running her own house and life, she's had my father there for 51 years doing all the arranging of stuff, she has no clue how to do it, should I push her to do it herself? Not now, no. She's just lost the only man she ever loved, even if he was a complete bastard to her most of the time, it's left a huge hole in her life and she floundering, big time. Ok, so if I need to take over and make sure everything is done then so be it, all of a sudden my mission is clear, I will look after her in a way my father didn't, he's left her penniless - apart from the greatest asset, the house. I don't want my share of what probate says I can get, it's her house, she bloody earned it, trust me.

Been on the phone again most of the morning, trying to get some progress about probate and what a total head f*ck that is! Good God alive, my head nearly exploded, seriously, it did, I had to hang up before I lost all sanity. Spoken with a lovely lady at the charity I approached a week or so back who has signposted me to another charity I may be able to scrounge burial money off, this is getting a bit ridiculous, talk about hanging out the begging bowl! But if I can get another sum out of them too I can tell the DWP to go f*ck themselves and we won't have to involve them, the costs would then be manageable and my mother wouldn't have such a financial burden, here's hoping, they're my first call in the morning that's for sure!!

Y'know what? In this last 3 weeks I think I've finally grown up, all the way, at last. I feel like a proper adult.... not sure I like all the shit that comes with it but I feel like a grown up, at 45, better late than never eh?

Drowning

Not only does my life suck balls right now but now my £75 quid keyboard has stopped glowing so I can bloody see it in the dark.... which I the main reason I effin' bought it!!! I dunno if I've pressed something and turned it off or what the hell is happening here. Maybe if I do a PC restart it may come back on but I have shitloads of bloody tabs open dealing with the hilarity of finding a company to empty my mother's septic tank!

Yes, my life really has turned to shit, or trying to find a company to get rid of it at a price that won't make us all die of shock. Oh man, the house insurance won't deal with me without mum being there to give consent but Scottish Power were very good and now that's sorted, thank the lord, one success today at least, one to tick off the list at least. No call from car insurance though and the undertakers are still dodging the question about whether they're digging a double or single grave.... FFS!! I have asked the woman twice now by email and nothing, she can expect a visit if I don't hear anything by Wednesday, had enough. Why my mother can't just phone and ask her is a source of mystery to me, since it's her grave and all that, Jesus, throw me a frikkin' bone here!

She just seems to be content to take a back seat whilst I run myself ragged over every little detail, apparently I learn we've had about 30 sympathy cards for our loss, and I think I have seen 1 out of all of them... it's just doing my head in, at some point she needs to get a grip and realise she needs to learn how to do this stuff for herself, is this going to be my life now? I'm being my dad to her, sorting everything, I may look like him but I'm not HIM and she needs to stand on her own two feet in this world like I do, like I bloody HAD to when I moved out and took on the big bad world.... well, I say moved but it was more like made a run for it from father's put downs and temper.

Talking with his neighbour's daughter today had me so ashamed I nearly got emotional, about how his tyranny stopped this poor woman of 90'ish going into her garden if he was about, just scaring her and making her upset for no reason except he didn't like her fir tree and started threats of solicitors and all sorts. I was genuinely upset for her and my gut is telling me I need to go see her and say sorry, I trust my gut now, it's the right thing to do, I know it is.

So many emotions going on right now, being in his garage with the chair he used to sit in, with the packets of seed potatoes we got together not long ago, looking at his vegetable garden..... the child in me wants her daddy back, as bad as he was to me. I want to be carried up the stairs like 'a sack of spuds' as he used to say, to go out to his friends house on a Saturday morning and sit under the table being quiet as a mouse as they talked. Yet I remember what he used to say to me, destroy me with words and because of that I'm in the mental health system. It's not all his fault, mother is a master of insensitivity and subtle put downs, I learnt early on in my life never to show emotions, keep how you feel secret, because of her.....

I guess I'm just rambling now but it needs an outlet, I'm angry at the moment, angry this whole thing has happened, maybe angry at dad for leaving me, leaving me to deal with all this shit. God, I'm going to need some counselling after this, I was struggling before this, before the weight of the world fell on my crumbling shoulders. And I'm a bit upset that someone I thought was there for me seems to backed off, death isn't pleasant and I get people don't want to be around it but...... just feeling a bit let down, I'm still the same old me, it may have changed me in subtle ways but still I stay the same don't I?

Shit Or Go Blind

Oh my good lord what a mental day, non feckin' stop. And it pissed with rain all day and I got soaked, twice.... fantastic. I managed to get myself to the diabetic shrink this morning and spilled out the whole tale of woe for the last 2 weeks, she's so concerned I'm on the verge of pure madness she wants to see me again next month instead of in 3 - whoopee, check out my bad self, I'm extra crazy now! Is there any wonder with all this shit? I've got my first dose of the new antidepressant and I have swallowed it, I have serious reservations as to whether it'll make a crap's worth of difference but hey ho, we'll give it a whirl.

Then of course it was onto the introduction to self help bollocks down at the mental health team HQ, unusual group of suspects down there, tried to be friendly and upbeat, make mates, y'know. Sat next to a nice girl who I think was gay, but then again I got called male so maybe I have grown a dick, shouldn't make assumptions, bad girl. I signed up for one about beating the 'black dog' as I may as well make an effort to try beat this spiral of hopelessness off, what do I have to lose? My sanity maybe, but that buggered off years ago.

Then I went and sorted out my meds at my new pharmacy, which I might add are wonderful compared to the last shower of pure shit, no more monthly arguments - yay! Anyway, they gave me a whole 2 bags of a month of meds, I have more drugs than a mofo and I'm going to enjoy getting blasted on every one I can, reality doesn't appeal to me right now so bugger it, going to get wasted as I possibly can for as long as I can.... there's the truth, not pretty in print but those are the facts, Caroline gonna get f*cked up!

I bought a hair trimmer, going to keep it short now it's this length because I love it like this, so easy to care for and I like the style, mother will have to deal with people thinking I'm a lesbian, ha! In fact I may play up to it just to piss her prejudice off.... gay and f*cked off my face on prescription meds, sounds like a plan!!!

(Disclaimer: Acting out today because I'm in a bit of a state, I don't normally behave so stupidly do I? Just all getting too much weight to bear again, I'll be good tomorrow, honest)

Weight Of The World

I truly feel like I have a million bricks on my shoulders right now. I have done everything required of a dutiful daughter today, taking the mother into the bank, the photo shop, the supermarket, the chemist... yet still when she phones me I just get yelled at for trying to explain how I'm working through the pile of people who need telling the father went and dropped f*cking dead on us 2 weeks ago. I'm doing my best here, she's blind to it, she was blind to her own domestic abuse and blind to the fact her husband systematically emotionally beat down her child until there was not much left at all, just a pile of goo and bones.

I feel a bit like going into the middle of the woods and screaming.

I will get to the end of the things to do eventually though one hopes. We went and finalised the funeral service this afternoon, so that's all done. Of course I let mum have her way about which pic to have on the front of the service booklet, she can have what she wants, my pic can go on the back, does it even matter? Apparently we're getting a mock up so we can see which we like best, but it's a done deal as far as she's concerned, I'm left with no stomach for a fight over any of it any more, do what you like and charge over £4000 for it people, knock yourselves out.......

Oh and a quote from mum's mate to end.....

"Hope you are coping ok, your mum tells me she couldn't have managed without you. xx"

Huh... who knew.