Oh God, it's Thursday, yep it was the trawl around the supermarket with mother time, fun and games as usual. Woke up and was so befuddled I thought it was Monday instead, all the days are blending into each other still, although we're trying our best to get back to 'normal' it's just not the same, obviously.
As the days pass by I'm finding that now my first thought in the morning isn't of my dear old dead dad, which I'm not sure is good or bad, I feel like it's been way too easy to 'move on' and I should still be in sackcloth and ashes but I think I separated myself from him a long time ago, removed myself from his immediate orbit, I had to so I could survive the utter torment he caused me for the best part of 30 years, how sad is that? It is very true though, when I'm at home it's easy to pretend nothing has changed because I rarely saw him, I couldn't be around him even though I wanted to more than anything, he just hurt me too much and I couldn't allow that to continue, for my own self preservation. I was preparing myself to lose him funnily enough, I just had a feeling it would happen, on my birthday I somehow knew it would be the last one I'd have him and now I'm scared my mum will die of bowel cancer because she won't be tested for it and I could end up an orphan within 18 months or something... I can't afford to bury her too and there's no charities for ex sewing machinists, I've feckin' looked already!!
I suppose thoughts of death are all around me now even though I'm trying to remain more calm and less in a frenzy about getting stuff done. We have the solicitor tomorrow, that'll be fun, I guess we're about to find out what sort of doo doo we're really in with regards to probate, get your cheque book out mother! Jesus, ok... I'm going on record to say I'd like to have kept your best gun dad but because you left us in a world of shit I may need to sell it to pay off the charges which seem to be growing by the day. I'm still trying to sell my Raleigh Talus mountain bike with no nibbles because I won't budge on the already cheap price, even though I'd rather keep it, I'd like the gun decommissioned but probate charges may dictate otherwise and I'll just have to live with it.
Grief wise, has it hit me yet? I don't know, maybe the vague feelings of sadness and regret I have now are as deep as it'll ever get, maybe I'm cold like my mother, maybe I just don't know what to do and how to feel in all this chaos. I wish it hadn't happened like this but we'd never have had the movie ending where everyone hugs and all is forgiven. We've had a letter come from the ICU dept of the hospital saying we can go see them to talk over what happened, I think we will as I think we both deserve answers, however painful that is, maybe that'll set me off again? When they told me dad was going to die I lost it right there and then, the correct reaction to such news, I was devastated those first couple of days but I feel like I've done my crying, but I can't help but feel incredibly guilty about the speed of that process. Here I go again giving myself a hard time, I just can't stop it.
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Thursday, August 30, 2018
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Becoming The Lion
Something strange has happened to me in the last 2 weeks or so, I have become intensely protective of my mother. This is peculiar to me, we've never been 'close' at all, ever, yet if anyone tried to hurt or upset her now I'd rip their heads off. I'm all she has now, and she's all I have and suddenly I feel like the parent and she's the child in a way.... it's bizarre. Like the nonsense with the benefit people not paying her for 12 weeks, I would eat beans on toast and super noodles before I'd let her go without anything. I'd sell my Raleigh Burners, even though I love them, to feed her and pay her bills, no hesitation at all...... why? That's the question, why would I suddenly change my apathy, as such, and now become like a lioness guarding her cubs?
She's treating me like a substitute for my father, that much I have figured out, and if that's the way it's got to be for her to be happy and comfortable then, it will be so. I think she's too old and too set in her ways to become a independent woman running her own house and life, she's had my father there for 51 years doing all the arranging of stuff, she has no clue how to do it, should I push her to do it herself? Not now, no. She's just lost the only man she ever loved, even if he was a complete bastard to her most of the time, it's left a huge hole in her life and she floundering, big time. Ok, so if I need to take over and make sure everything is done then so be it, all of a sudden my mission is clear, I will look after her in a way my father didn't, he's left her penniless - apart from the greatest asset, the house. I don't want my share of what probate says I can get, it's her house, she bloody earned it, trust me.
Been on the phone again most of the morning, trying to get some progress about probate and what a total head f*ck that is! Good God alive, my head nearly exploded, seriously, it did, I had to hang up before I lost all sanity. Spoken with a lovely lady at the charity I approached a week or so back who has signposted me to another charity I may be able to scrounge burial money off, this is getting a bit ridiculous, talk about hanging out the begging bowl! But if I can get another sum out of them too I can tell the DWP to go f*ck themselves and we won't have to involve them, the costs would then be manageable and my mother wouldn't have such a financial burden, here's hoping, they're my first call in the morning that's for sure!!
Y'know what? In this last 3 weeks I think I've finally grown up, all the way, at last. I feel like a proper adult.... not sure I like all the shit that comes with it but I feel like a grown up, at 45, better late than never eh?
She's treating me like a substitute for my father, that much I have figured out, and if that's the way it's got to be for her to be happy and comfortable then, it will be so. I think she's too old and too set in her ways to become a independent woman running her own house and life, she's had my father there for 51 years doing all the arranging of stuff, she has no clue how to do it, should I push her to do it herself? Not now, no. She's just lost the only man she ever loved, even if he was a complete bastard to her most of the time, it's left a huge hole in her life and she floundering, big time. Ok, so if I need to take over and make sure everything is done then so be it, all of a sudden my mission is clear, I will look after her in a way my father didn't, he's left her penniless - apart from the greatest asset, the house. I don't want my share of what probate says I can get, it's her house, she bloody earned it, trust me.
Been on the phone again most of the morning, trying to get some progress about probate and what a total head f*ck that is! Good God alive, my head nearly exploded, seriously, it did, I had to hang up before I lost all sanity. Spoken with a lovely lady at the charity I approached a week or so back who has signposted me to another charity I may be able to scrounge burial money off, this is getting a bit ridiculous, talk about hanging out the begging bowl! But if I can get another sum out of them too I can tell the DWP to go f*ck themselves and we won't have to involve them, the costs would then be manageable and my mother wouldn't have such a financial burden, here's hoping, they're my first call in the morning that's for sure!!
Y'know what? In this last 3 weeks I think I've finally grown up, all the way, at last. I feel like a proper adult.... not sure I like all the shit that comes with it but I feel like a grown up, at 45, better late than never eh?
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Shit Or Go Blind
Oh my good lord what a mental day, non feckin' stop. And it pissed with rain all day and I got soaked, twice.... fantastic. I managed to get myself to the diabetic shrink this morning and spilled out the whole tale of woe for the last 2 weeks, she's so concerned I'm on the verge of pure madness she wants to see me again next month instead of in 3 - whoopee, check out my bad self, I'm extra crazy now! Is there any wonder with all this shit? I've got my first dose of the new antidepressant and I have swallowed it, I have serious reservations as to whether it'll make a crap's worth of difference but hey ho, we'll give it a whirl.
Then of course it was onto the introduction to self help bollocks down at the mental health team HQ, unusual group of suspects down there, tried to be friendly and upbeat, make mates, y'know. Sat next to a nice girl who I think was gay, but then again I got called male so maybe I have grown a dick, shouldn't make assumptions, bad girl. I signed up for one about beating the 'black dog' as I may as well make an effort to try beat this spiral of hopelessness off, what do I have to lose? My sanity maybe, but that buggered off years ago.
Then I went and sorted out my meds at my new pharmacy, which I might add are wonderful compared to the last shower of pure shit, no more monthly arguments - yay! Anyway, they gave me a whole 2 bags of a month of meds, I have more drugs than a mofo and I'm going to enjoy getting blasted on every one I can, reality doesn't appeal to me right now so bugger it, going to get wasted as I possibly can for as long as I can.... there's the truth, not pretty in print but those are the facts, Caroline gonna get f*cked up!
I bought a hair trimmer, going to keep it short now it's this length because I love it like this, so easy to care for and I like the style, mother will have to deal with people thinking I'm a lesbian, ha! In fact I may play up to it just to piss her prejudice off.... gay and f*cked off my face on prescription meds, sounds like a plan!!!
(Disclaimer: Acting out today because I'm in a bit of a state, I don't normally behave so stupidly do I? Just all getting too much weight to bear again, I'll be good tomorrow, honest)
Then of course it was onto the introduction to self help bollocks down at the mental health team HQ, unusual group of suspects down there, tried to be friendly and upbeat, make mates, y'know. Sat next to a nice girl who I think was gay, but then again I got called male so maybe I have grown a dick, shouldn't make assumptions, bad girl. I signed up for one about beating the 'black dog' as I may as well make an effort to try beat this spiral of hopelessness off, what do I have to lose? My sanity maybe, but that buggered off years ago.
Then I went and sorted out my meds at my new pharmacy, which I might add are wonderful compared to the last shower of pure shit, no more monthly arguments - yay! Anyway, they gave me a whole 2 bags of a month of meds, I have more drugs than a mofo and I'm going to enjoy getting blasted on every one I can, reality doesn't appeal to me right now so bugger it, going to get wasted as I possibly can for as long as I can.... there's the truth, not pretty in print but those are the facts, Caroline gonna get f*cked up!
I bought a hair trimmer, going to keep it short now it's this length because I love it like this, so easy to care for and I like the style, mother will have to deal with people thinking I'm a lesbian, ha! In fact I may play up to it just to piss her prejudice off.... gay and f*cked off my face on prescription meds, sounds like a plan!!!
(Disclaimer: Acting out today because I'm in a bit of a state, I don't normally behave so stupidly do I? Just all getting too much weight to bear again, I'll be good tomorrow, honest)
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