The Lost Days

Oh God, it's Thursday, yep it was the trawl around the supermarket with mother time, fun and games as usual. Woke up and was so befuddled I thought it was Monday instead, all the days are blending into each other still, although we're trying our best to get back to 'normal' it's just not the same, obviously.

As the days pass by I'm finding that now my first thought in the morning isn't of my dear old dead dad, which I'm not sure is good or bad, I feel like it's been way too easy to 'move on' and I should still be in sackcloth and ashes but I think I separated myself from him a long time ago, removed myself from his immediate orbit, I had to so I could survive the utter torment he caused me for the best part of 30 years, how sad is that? It is very true though, when I'm at home it's easy to pretend nothing has changed because I rarely saw him, I couldn't be around him even though I wanted to more than anything, he just hurt me too much and I couldn't allow that to continue, for my own self preservation. I was preparing myself to lose him funnily enough, I just had a feeling it would happen, on my birthday I somehow knew it would be the last one I'd have him and now I'm scared my mum will die of bowel cancer because she won't be tested for it and I could end up an orphan within 18 months or something... I can't afford to bury her too and there's no charities for ex sewing machinists, I've feckin' looked already!!

I suppose thoughts of death are all around me now even though I'm trying to remain more calm and less in a frenzy about getting stuff done. We have the solicitor tomorrow, that'll be fun, I guess we're about to find out what sort of doo doo we're really in with regards to probate, get your cheque book out mother! Jesus, ok... I'm going on record to say I'd like to have kept your best gun dad but because you left us in a world of shit I may need to sell it to pay off the charges which seem to be growing by the day. I'm still trying to sell my Raleigh Talus mountain bike with no nibbles because I won't budge on the already cheap price, even though I'd rather keep it, I'd like the gun decommissioned but probate charges may dictate otherwise and I'll just have to live with it.

Grief wise, has it hit me yet? I don't know, maybe the vague feelings of sadness and regret I have now are as deep as it'll ever get, maybe I'm cold like my mother, maybe I just don't know what to do and how to feel in all this chaos. I wish it hadn't happened like this but we'd never have had the movie ending where everyone hugs and all is forgiven. We've had a letter come from the ICU dept of the hospital saying we can go see them to talk over what happened, I think we will as I think we both deserve answers, however painful that is, maybe that'll set me off again? When they told me dad was going to die I lost it right there and then, the correct reaction to such news, I was devastated those first couple of days but I feel like I've done my crying, but I can't help but feel incredibly guilty about the speed of that process. Here I go again giving myself a hard time, I just can't stop it.

Battle Lines

Blimey, mega intense afternoon/evening trying to sort out 'LS' and her daughter. I thought I grew up in a shouty house, holy shit, mine was a picnic in the park compared to what we had this afternoon. Very emotional, very fraught, very last chance saloon... I don't know if we got anywhere, that remains to be seen but her and the boyfriend are moving out anyway, it can't go on any longer, I fear for 'LS's mental health if this continues, she's going to crack. So, I did my best to referee, and boy it was hard work but I had to do something to resolve the issues, I felt I had to, gut instinct again, I'm learning to trust it more and more as I wander through life.

I remember the life I had 6 weeks ago, when all I was worried about was what graphics card was going in the new computer I was building... it seems like another reality ago that is a distant memory these days, now I have a serious responsibility to care for my mother when before I had only myself to keep in check, I just hope I have the strength reserves to carry the both of us forward. Somehow I found an incredible strength to get through my father's funeral and shock the hell out of everyone who wrote me off with my well written and heartfelt eulogy, where the hell did that come from? I have no freakin' idea!!! I surprised myself too, how I did it I don't know. Whether the grief will sneak up and hit me hard later on, I don't know, but right now it's there but it's not overwhelming, I know I will survive this because I've fought all my life to survive, the main cause of my self loathing has now gone, I'll never be called stupid by my dad again, there's a tremendous amount of relief that comes with that.... and enormous guilt because despite it all I loved him sooooo much.

Is this it, what I'm feeling? I feel ok, I can still laugh and joke with my mates, is that it, can it really be this easy to lose your father? I feel like I should be crying more and feeling sadder, it seems like I'm numb, is it these antidepressants I'm on making me so emotionless? So many damn questions going around in my head. Jesus, what a total f*ck up, back on the phones tomorrow to sort shit out to do with the mess dad left us in, many calls to make so I guess I should go to bed but my head still spins away merrily.... ugh. I want a time machine right now, pop back to a more carefree time, not gonna happen though eh?

Dust To Dust

Nailed it.... the eulogy that is. Was that ever in doubt? I think not.

I told you I would, watch me go. When I make up my mind to do something I fookin' well do it, and that's it, end of story, especially when mother says I can't, steely determination personified, stubborn as hell and bloody minded like my dear old dad. So yeah.... people seemed to like it, got a lot of compliments, especially his old work mates when I held up the hammer, it raised an audible chuckle and that's what I wanted, no sad shit, just let's all have a laugh about the good times. He wouldn't have wanted us all sat there with the sour puss... nah, he'd have been enjoying seeing all his work buddies, just like they enjoyed meeting up and seeing each other again, a reunion as such, how nice, I'm pleased. Anyway, he left the address, the place where he was born, for the last time about 11.50am in the hearse and yes I took pics, I won't look at them often but it's nice to have a record I suppose. It would have been nice if the bloke had opened the hall at 11am like he said he would, I nearly went mental! And then the undertaker got lost, good start, no? Mate 'S' managed to sob her way through my 'Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep' poem though, had to bounce up, rub her back and push her through it, maybe I should have done that after my eulogy myself? Might have cracked me up though.

I was ok with my mother crying a bit as we sat alone together in the first pew, all on our own. I held her hand for a bit, yes, I found the courage to reach out and I think she appreciated it. I on the other hand was completely in the zone, didn't even get close to shedding a tear, like an emotionless robot I was, I knew I'd have to go on autopilot but man.... surpassed myself there. Glad really, I had so many people to talk to and so many hands to shake that if I were a wreck I couldn't have done it. I threw dad his polos into the hole along with a rose, I never break a promise. Had a bit of diazepam to grease the wheels I won't lie and after 'S', the ex and myself adjourned to the pub I managed to get a bit pissed on 1 and a half pints of beer, oh the shame of my lightweightness! 'SG' came up to join up for a swift half and we had a jolly old time. Only ones that were missing was 'L' who came to the service as he promised me he would, but had to get off before we came up the pub, and 'LS' who wasn't well, it was nice to have a couple of mates there though to raise a glass to dad.

I was a bit disappointed with my flowers for £65, I couldn't hardly see they spelt out 'Dad' and it pissed me off a bit, they could have been done better frankly.... what do y'all reckon? Oh well, shit happens, bugger all I can do about it now. I wrote on the card 'Dad, will miss you more than you'll ever know' and that seemed to sum it up. I did end up catching the next door neighbour's grandson and having a good old chat, 'M' was like my little brother when we were growing up, I wrote about him a while back when he dad got attacked and they didn't know if he was going to live and despite the ridiculous row my dad was having with his parents and grandparents I felt in my gut I had to contact him. That was fantastic and now I have his mobile number and we'll stay closer than we have been I hope as I have been mates with him almost since the moment he was born, you can't get much more early than that for a blossoming friendship. So that was a positive thing out of a crappy day.

I survived in one piece, that was the main thing, now to start the healing, with a day of complete rest for me and deal with the rest of the shit he's left behind again tomorrow.

Ashes To Ashes

Well, tis the eve of the 2nd worst day of my life and all in all I feel.... calmish. Not had a chance to feel much else really as sandwich making and shopping for the sandwich making has taken up most of my day as mother was being her usual trying self, even 'LS' saw it today, what I'm dealing with, the sheer helplessness, not sure if it's real or putting it on to be honest but either way it's driving me up the pole! She's totally cooked too much grub, we'll be eating it for weeks - great!! The best thing was spending time with 'LS' as we really do click in a weird fate'ish, meant to be mates kind of way, if only I'd found this out sooner, known her for 20 years then we discover we can be as close as sisters, wasted time, it's a shame.

Had to pop to dad's cousin's to use his printer as mine wasn't playing ball, in other words I couldn't be arsed to set it up. Have got it working now and it's printed off my eulogy lovely, so the hour or so I spent round there wasn't needed, made us late for making the wake food, ugh, nightmare, oh well, it was my own fault for asking to use it.... and who the feck updates their Windows just before someone comes round? Not exactly the right time to be sitting there waiting for that to sort its life out... jeesh.

I don't know how I feel about tomorrow, if my mother breaks down it'll be weird and tough, I can't comfort her, I just can't, I still remember the look of hate in her eyes the day she went for me because I wouldn't go to school one day when she'd wheeled me round on a bike to try and get me in and I'd refused point blank (I was shit scared of one of the teachers, he bullied me awfully), pure hate it was I swear... and that stopped any connection with her in any form right there. I don't want to have to go through this, really I don't. I suppose tomorrow will be full of false sentiment and insincere handshakes, hugs and kisses, as most events like this are, I just want to get through it in one piece, without making a show of myself, no doubt mother will wheel out the "Oh, Caroline has been great, don't know how I would of managed etc etc" line now company are here to witness it, typical, she won't say it to me when we're alone though, oh well. Got my eulogy printed and ready, a readout from paper has been tested and it all worked so yes, I can do this and I'm going to, because my gut tells me so and that I trust more than anything, wish me luck, I'm going in......

Becoming The Lion

Something strange has happened to me in the last 2 weeks or so, I have become intensely protective of my mother. This is peculiar to me, we've never been 'close' at all, ever, yet if anyone tried to hurt or upset her now I'd rip their heads off. I'm all she has now, and she's all I have and suddenly I feel like the parent and she's the child in a way.... it's bizarre. Like the nonsense with the benefit people not paying her for 12 weeks, I would eat beans on toast and super noodles before I'd let her go without anything. I'd sell my Raleigh Burners, even though I love them, to feed her and pay her bills, no hesitation at all...... why? That's the question, why would I suddenly change my apathy, as such, and now become like a lioness guarding her cubs?

She's treating me like a substitute for my father, that much I have figured out, and if that's the way it's got to be for her to be happy and comfortable then, it will be so. I think she's too old and too set in her ways to become a independent woman running her own house and life, she's had my father there for 51 years doing all the arranging of stuff, she has no clue how to do it, should I push her to do it herself? Not now, no. She's just lost the only man she ever loved, even if he was a complete bastard to her most of the time, it's left a huge hole in her life and she floundering, big time. Ok, so if I need to take over and make sure everything is done then so be it, all of a sudden my mission is clear, I will look after her in a way my father didn't, he's left her penniless - apart from the greatest asset, the house. I don't want my share of what probate says I can get, it's her house, she bloody earned it, trust me.

Been on the phone again most of the morning, trying to get some progress about probate and what a total head f*ck that is! Good God alive, my head nearly exploded, seriously, it did, I had to hang up before I lost all sanity. Spoken with a lovely lady at the charity I approached a week or so back who has signposted me to another charity I may be able to scrounge burial money off, this is getting a bit ridiculous, talk about hanging out the begging bowl! But if I can get another sum out of them too I can tell the DWP to go f*ck themselves and we won't have to involve them, the costs would then be manageable and my mother wouldn't have such a financial burden, here's hoping, they're my first call in the morning that's for sure!!

Y'know what? In this last 3 weeks I think I've finally grown up, all the way, at last. I feel like a proper adult.... not sure I like all the shit that comes with it but I feel like a grown up, at 45, better late than never eh?