Battle Lines

Blimey, mega intense afternoon/evening trying to sort out 'LS' and her daughter. I thought I grew up in a shouty house, holy shit, mine was a picnic in the park compared to what we had this afternoon. Very emotional, very fraught, very last chance saloon... I don't know if we got anywhere, that remains to be seen but her and the boyfriend are moving out anyway, it can't go on any longer, I fear for 'LS's mental health if this continues, she's going to crack. So, I did my best to referee, and boy it was hard work but I had to do something to resolve the issues, I felt I had to, gut instinct again, I'm learning to trust it more and more as I wander through life.

I remember the life I had 6 weeks ago, when all I was worried about was what graphics card was going in the new computer I was building... it seems like another reality ago that is a distant memory these days, now I have a serious responsibility to care for my mother when before I had only myself to keep in check, I just hope I have the strength reserves to carry the both of us forward. Somehow I found an incredible strength to get through my father's funeral and shock the hell out of everyone who wrote me off with my well written and heartfelt eulogy, where the hell did that come from? I have no freakin' idea!!! I surprised myself too, how I did it I don't know. Whether the grief will sneak up and hit me hard later on, I don't know, but right now it's there but it's not overwhelming, I know I will survive this because I've fought all my life to survive, the main cause of my self loathing has now gone, I'll never be called stupid by my dad again, there's a tremendous amount of relief that comes with that.... and enormous guilt because despite it all I loved him sooooo much.

Is this it, what I'm feeling? I feel ok, I can still laugh and joke with my mates, is that it, can it really be this easy to lose your father? I feel like I should be crying more and feeling sadder, it seems like I'm numb, is it these antidepressants I'm on making me so emotionless? So many damn questions going around in my head. Jesus, what a total f*ck up, back on the phones tomorrow to sort shit out to do with the mess dad left us in, many calls to make so I guess I should go to bed but my head still spins away merrily.... ugh. I want a time machine right now, pop back to a more carefree time, not gonna happen though eh?