Drowning

Not only does my life suck balls right now but now my £75 quid keyboard has stopped glowing so I can bloody see it in the dark.... which I the main reason I effin' bought it!!! I dunno if I've pressed something and turned it off or what the hell is happening here. Maybe if I do a PC restart it may come back on but I have shitloads of bloody tabs open dealing with the hilarity of finding a company to empty my mother's septic tank!

Yes, my life really has turned to shit, or trying to find a company to get rid of it at a price that won't make us all die of shock. Oh man, the house insurance won't deal with me without mum being there to give consent but Scottish Power were very good and now that's sorted, thank the lord, one success today at least, one to tick off the list at least. No call from car insurance though and the undertakers are still dodging the question about whether they're digging a double or single grave.... FFS!! I have asked the woman twice now by email and nothing, she can expect a visit if I don't hear anything by Wednesday, had enough. Why my mother can't just phone and ask her is a source of mystery to me, since it's her grave and all that, Jesus, throw me a frikkin' bone here!

She just seems to be content to take a back seat whilst I run myself ragged over every little detail, apparently I learn we've had about 30 sympathy cards for our loss, and I think I have seen 1 out of all of them... it's just doing my head in, at some point she needs to get a grip and realise she needs to learn how to do this stuff for herself, is this going to be my life now? I'm being my dad to her, sorting everything, I may look like him but I'm not HIM and she needs to stand on her own two feet in this world like I do, like I bloody HAD to when I moved out and took on the big bad world.... well, I say moved but it was more like made a run for it from father's put downs and temper.

Talking with his neighbour's daughter today had me so ashamed I nearly got emotional, about how his tyranny stopped this poor woman of 90'ish going into her garden if he was about, just scaring her and making her upset for no reason except he didn't like her fir tree and started threats of solicitors and all sorts. I was genuinely upset for her and my gut is telling me I need to go see her and say sorry, I trust my gut now, it's the right thing to do, I know it is.

So many emotions going on right now, being in his garage with the chair he used to sit in, with the packets of seed potatoes we got together not long ago, looking at his vegetable garden..... the child in me wants her daddy back, as bad as he was to me. I want to be carried up the stairs like 'a sack of spuds' as he used to say, to go out to his friends house on a Saturday morning and sit under the table being quiet as a mouse as they talked. Yet I remember what he used to say to me, destroy me with words and because of that I'm in the mental health system. It's not all his fault, mother is a master of insensitivity and subtle put downs, I learnt early on in my life never to show emotions, keep how you feel secret, because of her.....

I guess I'm just rambling now but it needs an outlet, I'm angry at the moment, angry this whole thing has happened, maybe angry at dad for leaving me, leaving me to deal with all this shit. God, I'm going to need some counselling after this, I was struggling before this, before the weight of the world fell on my crumbling shoulders. And I'm a bit upset that someone I thought was there for me seems to backed off, death isn't pleasant and I get people don't want to be around it but...... just feeling a bit let down, I'm still the same old me, it may have changed me in subtle ways but still I stay the same don't I?