The Sense Of Duty

Another day, another set of phone calls... obviously. I actually feel lost if I'm not phoning anyone now, how sad is that? Blimey, I need to get a life, or get my old life back.... not sure that's ever going to happen because now too much has changed to ever go back to what it was, I have new responsibilities now that I can't shirk with good conscience, sigh, life really did change for me on the 25th July 2018. It was the day I really became a true card holding, fee paying adult..... bound to happen sooner or later I suppose but it came so quickly I didn't even get to blink, that sucks.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself or anything really, been too damn busy!!! I've rung the bank and found out how to close dad's account, I've sorted out her car insurance so that's valid from the 31st, I've been and sorted out the difficult subject of charity grants and suchlike with the undertaker, like a big girl, because mother couldn't face it. Actually that was tough, not the bit about 'we're not paying you til the grant comes' through stuff but another thing. I was sat in the car outside, with the clothes that they are dressing him in to be buried, feeling the material of the jeans and the shirt, and that was damn hard knowing where they were going, to clothe him for his final journey. That felt worse than agreeing to parts of his body being used for medical science.... holy shit, I have done some stuff in this process that has been SO hard, to shield my mother from it mostly, to shield a woman who has treated me with contempt many times and thought - along with my father - that I was stupid and worthless, who said to her friend she wished she'd never had me.... that was nice to hear at 17, let me tell you. Yet now, here I am trying to take the incredible weight of all this on my shoulders and getting minimal gratitude, if any.... boy, I'm either a saint or a complete mug, you choose. Well, looks like old dumb f*ck here isn't doing too bad is she, eh?

What am I going to do if she starts crying in front of me on Tuesday? I haven't got a clue, I can't even touch her with compassion I feel so detached from her in the sense of a normal mother and daughter relationship, we've never really had one. I'm afraid I'm going to have to sit away from her and pretend it's because of the eulogy and getting up to speak and such like, so I can look the other way, that sounds awful but this woman has never shown me one single emotion in my life, or compassion to me, and I have not one idea how to comfort her.... I just can't, period.

Oh well, such is life eh? I'll soldier on. Might go see 'LS' tomorrow, might go fill that bloody dip in the drive dad made just to be awkward to the neighbours, such fun my life is!