Well, I've picked myself back up and I'm ready to carry on. The keyboard seems to be following suit and has started glowing away again merrily, not sure what that was all about but I'm embracing it and hopefully it'll continue!
I've had a day where I've been able to stay at home and do sod all.... first one in 3 weeks I suppose, that time went quickly, seems to have just whipped by, spinning me round in a circle in the process, dad's been gone 3 weeks.... soon it'll be 3 months, then 3 years, and it still seems like a bad dream, but I'm coping today, no tears, starting to force myself to be a hard nut and concentrate on this eulogy, getting it out before I give in and crack. Have just emailed the nice vicar to announce my plans to shit myself reading a speech in front of what I suspect will be a fairly full church.
Of course on my 'day off'' I have sorted mum's car insurance out and arranged a tanker to pump out the septic tank, even resting I am doing all the things, by rights, she should be. Then she says she's 'too hassled and too stressed' to pursue this grant that could be worth £1500 towards the funeral costs.... when it comes to that much money I'm the least stressed mofo in the goddamn world!! And let's all pause for a sec to examine exactly what stress she's had shall we, I've arranged and dealt with everyone and everything, hours on the phone. Yes she's lost her husband, she could find another, I'll NEVER get another father, this isn't grief top trumps again, this is about being appreciated for what I've done, and I have worked my bloody arse off (to the vast detriment of my own health I might add) to make sure she doesn't have to worry herself about anything.
Gah..... I seem to be ranting every day but I need an outlet, oh God, do I! Thank the lord for my mate 'LS' who has been there every step of the way, she's a feckin' diamond. We are becoming very close, and I kinda like it. I'm leaving that little island of Caroline I exist on and rowing to the shore more these days, and I like she's waving on the beach to welcome me. Other friends have been fab too, you really do find out who your mates are in situations like this, oh hell yes. Tomorrow I have a sit in on the Age Concern woman talk, then we need to sort out the ex's trousers, which are so big they look like a circus tent.... he is not coming to my father's funeral looking like a tramp or a hairy twat, end of.
Annnnnnnd breeeeeeathe..............
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