Not Quite The Ticket

Well, I woke up and threw up, not the best start to the day to be fair, and I feel pretty shite, can hardly keep my eyes open so this'll be fun blogging won't it! I can't work out if it's food poisoning or what 'LS' had Monday as I'm starting to sweat now and just feel like falling asleep, quick smart. The thing that worries me is mate 'S' ended up in A&E with stomach pains last night and I'm a bit dubious about the whole situation, hope nobody else was affected.

Overall I'm doing well I think, seems like the majority of my crying and shock happened straight away so it's kinda gone, if you see what I mean. I'll do ok without him because he taught me life skills like being able to fight my own battles, get the best deals for things and generally how to be as strong as I can and function in life as a grown up without people taking the piss, not sure why mother never picked those lessons up, but then again she didn't have to cope without him in her own house like I have had to, jumped out of the family nest into the pond of life and I swam, sinking wasn't an option.

Been feeling dead weird tonight, so damn tired it's madness, so much so it panicked mother because I was so incoherent and out of it and she drafted the ex in, thanks a bunch! He always helps doesn't he? Ugh! I had a cool shower and now before it starts again I'm going to bed, pronto!

One more story needs to be told first though, from yesterday, a really touching one.... when I buy my tobacco I more often than not get served by the same lady and we normally exchange some general chit chat and when she asked how I was yesterday I said I'd just come from my dad's funeral and she told her workmate to take over, came out from behind the counter and gave me a big hug, how lovely is that? That made my day, a stranger being so thoughtful... a lovely story to end today's blog on at least, no?

Digging Deep

Well, I've picked myself back up and I'm ready to carry on. The keyboard seems to be following suit and has started glowing away again merrily, not sure what that was all about but I'm embracing it and hopefully it'll continue!

I've had a day where I've been able to stay at home and do sod all.... first one in 3 weeks I suppose, that time went quickly, seems to have just whipped by, spinning me round in a circle in the process, dad's been gone 3 weeks.... soon it'll be 3 months, then 3 years, and it still seems like a bad dream, but I'm coping today, no tears, starting to force myself to be a hard nut and concentrate on this eulogy, getting it out before I give in and crack. Have just emailed the nice vicar to announce my plans to shit myself reading a speech in front of what I suspect will be a fairly full church.

Of course on my 'day off'' I have sorted mum's car insurance out and arranged a tanker to pump out the septic tank, even resting I am doing all the things, by rights, she should be. Then she says she's 'too hassled and too stressed' to pursue this grant that could be worth £1500 towards the funeral costs.... when it comes to that much money I'm the least stressed mofo in the goddamn world!! And let's all pause for a sec to examine exactly what stress she's had shall we, I've arranged and dealt with everyone and everything, hours on the phone. Yes she's lost her husband, she could find another, I'll NEVER get another father, this isn't grief top trumps again, this is about being appreciated for what I've done, and I have worked my bloody arse off (to the vast detriment of my own health I might add) to make sure she doesn't have to worry herself about anything.

Gah..... I seem to be ranting every day but I need an outlet, oh God, do I! Thank the lord for my mate 'LS' who has been there every step of the way, she's a feckin' diamond. We are becoming very close, and I kinda like it. I'm leaving that little island of Caroline I exist on and rowing to the shore more these days, and I like she's waving on the beach to welcome me. Other friends have been fab too, you really do find out who your mates are in situations like this, oh hell yes. Tomorrow I have a sit in on the Age Concern woman talk, then we need to sort out the ex's trousers, which are so big they look like a circus tent.... he is not coming to my father's funeral looking like a tramp or a hairy twat, end of.

Annnnnnnd breeeeeeathe..............

Capri For Me

Well, I tried to go out and do normal things, like go to a car show... which I did, and it was very pleasant. Had a good old drool over the Capri's as usual, I will own one one day, I'm determined I will at some point but I'd better start saving in a serious manner. The ex can smell the money and seems to be being extra nice to me, wonder why? Hmmmm, well let's think.....  I'm wise to him though, he won't get a pot to piss in from me!

It's going to be short and sweet today, I'm so tired I need my bed, I'm so tired I. I can't type. Need some decent sleep and fast.....