Standing Our Ground

My first visit to a solicitor today, lucky me, I've not been arrested or anything... yet, this is all probate related, ah we love that word, it's my mother and myself's fave word right now... not! It looks like we'll be going through it whatever happens as the 'estate' (I use that term loosely) is too large, er, it's just a house, which belongs to my mother, when it's all sorted. I'm going to keep quiet and say nothing about my supposed share of it, I don't want anything from my mother, I'm not sucking at life so I'm perfectly happy to plod on as I am, leaving her to decide her own destiny, for the first time in her life. Apparently it needs adding to the land registry or something, more money, they know how to extract it well it seems.

It's all gobbledygook to me, I'm sure they understand it all, well at least I hope they do! It all needs to be done before any changes so we have to get mum's house valued so we know exactly the prices for fees and suchlike, fun. The guns are being valued tomorrow, so another loose end tied up as we find out the worth of that lot. I'd still like to keep it but I'm resigning myself to the fact I may not be able to, in fact my interest is waning when I think about the £150 and how that could take me on a relaxing holiday to Yorkshire instead.... I'm torn. I'm not money driven at all, the value of the Aya gun wouldn't sway me unless it could cure all our money woes in one hit, then it might, purely as a consequence of father's inability to think things through his only offspring could lose out on keeping it as an important memory, a legacy gone because he thought he was cleverer than he actually was, sad thought really but what can I do? Rock and hard place. Meh, it'll sort itself out in time, I can't drive myself nuts any more over it, I'd be joining the father in the hole if I carried on the way I was, not healthy.

Down Time

A day of rest! Done naff all of any note so this will be a thrilling entry won't it? Spent most of the day popping painkillers and talking to 'LS' about life, the universe and pictures of men she's been sent over Plenty Of Fish (dregs of humanity dating website, for the uninformed)

Still have no clue whether to sell dad's gun or have it doctored so it's an ornament, not that I am in the least money motivated but I guess I need to know what it's worth, and have the other two looked at as potential candidates for being melted down into ashtrays, I don't give a hoot about either of those, sorry dad. If I could sell that gun case he has to pay for the main one to be deactivated and still pay money towards the probate I'd be laughing, but my experience of life tells me I could never hope to be that lucky. We'll see next Saturday I guess, I think I may go with the guy taking them just to hear it with my own ears from the gun dealer, I never trust anyone where money is concerned, another lesson life has taught me. Cynical aren't I? Have we met?

So yeah, not much doing.... enjoying a bit of late night peace to decompress and think, but not too much, my brain can't handle the events of the last month in too large a slice. 25th today, a month exactly since dad died, have no idea where that time has gone, flashed by in a whirl, most of it with my ear glued to the phone it seems, and more calls next week, sigh.... I'll get through it slowly, letting myself rest a bit without losing the momentum I need to roll over this hump and carry on. I'd lose the plot if I didn't let myself breathe a bit,  bad enough that I reckon I'll be grey by the time we're done here!

Off out visiting to chair peace talks tomorrow between 'LS' and her daughter, hopefully that'll make an impact on the WW3 they seems to have there on a daily basis, fingers crossed. Plus it'll get me out and stop me overthinking, a dreadful habit of mine I must stop... like biting the skin on my fingers, which I have taken up again this past few weeks, and I was doing so well with it too, ooopsy.

The Phoenix

Well, apparently the word on the street is my little funeral speech hit the spot with a lot of people, which is nice and I seem to have achieved what I set out to do.... dispel a lot of myths that have surrounded me all my life, that I'm stupid, that I'm useless, that I'm a waste of good skin, etc etc. Maybe these are things I have only thought of myself, borne of years of being told them over and over but now I feel a sense of pride in myself that I haven't really encountered before...

I really f*cking showed them all what I could do didn't I?

Is it wrong to gloat? Pride is a sin after all, but I haven't felt a lot of that in myself in my life. I feel proud I stood up and was counted when it mattered most, I was the one with the balls to get up in front of a church of people I barely know (apart from my close mates) and give a funny, touching and bittersweet eulogy to a man I loved, and at times hated, in equal measure. What happened to that shy little girl I used to be? I guess I grew up to be a fighter, I had to fight to get through what I did and I never once let it beat me, even when the ex nearly snuffed out the tiny flame I had left, I rose up again and didn't let it stop me. All things considered, I turned into a pretty ok human being with good friends around me who see who I am and like me for it, and that is no coincidence... the moment I said to myself "Hey, you're ok you know" I have had more friends come my way than at any other time in my life, the minute I grew comfortable with myself was the moment I started to shine like I should have done all along. If I'd not been beaten down I could have achieved great things, and I may still do, now I feel that the sky could be the limit for ol' Caroline if she tries, even the vicar agrees! (See email pic, ha!) I will at some point publish the contents of said speech so you all can understand the reference to the hammer and polo mints, honest!

I hope if there is such a thing as the afterlife that father is marginally pleased with the results of my writing, I don't have too many things I really shine at but writing can be one of them, sometimes I'm so on point on this blog I scare myself, sometimes the words just come out right and this entry may be one of them. I spent 20 mins up the graveyard hanging with dear pater and the rest of the distant rellies earlier, not by choice I can assure you, it's all rather a bit grim really, but this pic is kinda poignant I suppose.

Not Quite The Ticket

Well, I woke up and threw up, not the best start to the day to be fair, and I feel pretty shite, can hardly keep my eyes open so this'll be fun blogging won't it! I can't work out if it's food poisoning or what 'LS' had Monday as I'm starting to sweat now and just feel like falling asleep, quick smart. The thing that worries me is mate 'S' ended up in A&E with stomach pains last night and I'm a bit dubious about the whole situation, hope nobody else was affected.

Overall I'm doing well I think, seems like the majority of my crying and shock happened straight away so it's kinda gone, if you see what I mean. I'll do ok without him because he taught me life skills like being able to fight my own battles, get the best deals for things and generally how to be as strong as I can and function in life as a grown up without people taking the piss, not sure why mother never picked those lessons up, but then again she didn't have to cope without him in her own house like I have had to, jumped out of the family nest into the pond of life and I swam, sinking wasn't an option.

Been feeling dead weird tonight, so damn tired it's madness, so much so it panicked mother because I was so incoherent and out of it and she drafted the ex in, thanks a bunch! He always helps doesn't he? Ugh! I had a cool shower and now before it starts again I'm going to bed, pronto!

One more story needs to be told first though, from yesterday, a really touching one.... when I buy my tobacco I more often than not get served by the same lady and we normally exchange some general chit chat and when she asked how I was yesterday I said I'd just come from my dad's funeral and she told her workmate to take over, came out from behind the counter and gave me a big hug, how lovely is that? That made my day, a stranger being so thoughtful... a lovely story to end today's blog on at least, no?

It's Good To Gloat

I think today was a good day, as best as days can get under these circumstances, but I was happy there for a while this afternoon and morning, things were almost normal'ish for a while. The real smug cherry was the look on Dr Weaselface's face when he saw my blood test results from a few weeks back - ha, ya twat! Didn't see that one coming did you? Oh the smug was epic and worth every single second of open mouthed unbelief from him, it felt fantastic, what a great moment to be alive, to see his gobsmacked little mush..... oh it was pure poetry. I don't get moments like that very often so I will dine out on that for quite a while.

Other things accomplished today include sorting meds with nice prescription manager in doctors, being snotty with the pharmacy and telling them I want them ready when I walk in tomorrow because not a single f*ck is now given about my attitude with those morons in there. Buying lots of diet coke in Asda, buying other shit in Poundland, buying milk bread an cheese in Iceland, Having a milkshake and just generally strutting about feeling ok about things.

I did write a eulogy draft for the funeral, might need to practice it but I do want to read it myself if I possibly can, I really do! I need to say these things out loud. Good job I have the diabetic shrink on Thursday to talk this one through, as well as it turns out the bloody other therapy course for 2 hours, got the day wrong, there really is no rest for the wicked, I suppose it'll keep me busy and not thinking  for a while though, bonus.

Tomorrow? Bank, buying flowers, paying undertaker, pictures, order of service, does it ever bloody end? Please, I pray it does.