Getting It Done

Another day, another round of frustrating father related info! The DVLA are insisting mother tax the bloody car again when it changes into her name, despite the money coming from her account last time, and then having to wait for her money to be refunded.... to herself! It's like a carousel, more meaningless and pointless bureaucracy I have to bloody wade through, seriously, someone is going to have to stop me hanging myself on my shoelaces very soon. However, success in the 'getting 3 months bank statements for grant' dept, thank f*ck, can post that tomorrow, sorted out right before I went insane, not a moment too soon! And then we made an appointment to see a solicitor to see about probate on Friday, more hilarity no doubt as we find out just exactly the depth of shit we're in, accurate right down to the centimetre I hope so I know whether I'll need a snorkel.

On the way home I nipped to Asda and stocked up on brown piss, AKA Diet Coke, and finished off my saintly helping others type day by fixing the ex's computer, on a fast track to heaven now me... hope it moves faster than the fast track section in Argos or else I'll still be waiting to enter the pearly gates in the year 3000.

Tomorrow I hope to capture some tranquil peace by painting stones with my pal 'SG' and that will be a welcome distraction from everything for a couple of hours, ahhhhh..... bliss! Then there's talk of another beer guzzling sesh tomorrow night with my old friend from school 'J' who is the only one of them all I can be arsed to speak to these days, 2 pints max of course unless I slip into rampant boozehound mode, which I am prone to from time to time but luckily not often given my past with the drink. So yeah, not dwelling on stuff, not intending to, doing ok I think, hanging on in there.

Not Quite The Ticket

Well, I woke up and threw up, not the best start to the day to be fair, and I feel pretty shite, can hardly keep my eyes open so this'll be fun blogging won't it! I can't work out if it's food poisoning or what 'LS' had Monday as I'm starting to sweat now and just feel like falling asleep, quick smart. The thing that worries me is mate 'S' ended up in A&E with stomach pains last night and I'm a bit dubious about the whole situation, hope nobody else was affected.

Overall I'm doing well I think, seems like the majority of my crying and shock happened straight away so it's kinda gone, if you see what I mean. I'll do ok without him because he taught me life skills like being able to fight my own battles, get the best deals for things and generally how to be as strong as I can and function in life as a grown up without people taking the piss, not sure why mother never picked those lessons up, but then again she didn't have to cope without him in her own house like I have had to, jumped out of the family nest into the pond of life and I swam, sinking wasn't an option.

Been feeling dead weird tonight, so damn tired it's madness, so much so it panicked mother because I was so incoherent and out of it and she drafted the ex in, thanks a bunch! He always helps doesn't he? Ugh! I had a cool shower and now before it starts again I'm going to bed, pronto!

One more story needs to be told first though, from yesterday, a really touching one.... when I buy my tobacco I more often than not get served by the same lady and we normally exchange some general chit chat and when she asked how I was yesterday I said I'd just come from my dad's funeral and she told her workmate to take over, came out from behind the counter and gave me a big hug, how lovely is that? That made my day, a stranger being so thoughtful... a lovely story to end today's blog on at least, no?

Down And Dirty

Well. it half killed me but I filled in the dip in my mum's drive to stop the neighbours moaning, the one my dad made to piss them off, I hope he watched me fill it in.... I'll be struck down with lightning now, just watch, he'll be spinning in his coffin the moment they put him in it I bet you, sat on his cloud watching me scrape and shovel, his teeth gnashing at it all. Too fookin' bad father, I said I'd fix it and I have, to the best of my ability and the neighbours can kiss my ass if they don't like it.

Other than that I've not done a great deal, just a bit of shopping and poodling about. Had to drop in at the local pub and have a pint, mother was driving me nuts with her carefree an blaise attitude to important things, I give up with her at the moment, she's dragging her heels on everything and it's driving me nutzoid! Maybe I've shielded her too damn much in all this, maybe she needs to get down and dirty here in the trenches. Not once has she asked me how I'm coping, nothing, like I don't even count. I appear to be ok but I'm hurting too, I've not had time to stop and feel sad, I have organised every little detail... every single one, I don't know if I've finished my crying or what? Maybe these antidepressants are turning me into an emotionless zombie, don't want that!! Blimey, this is waaaaay too complex for me.

I have to go get my glasses fixed tomorrow now as the nose pads have come off and they're killing my snout, basically. Then we have to fit the ex into his pantaloons.....ooops, I mean his trousers, need to get my funeral clothes here and ready for Tuesday and do a shit load of practice on my eulogy so I have it spot on. I can do it, I know I can, I'm shy by nature but I have balls if needed and I'm not afraid to use them, because of course, I am my father's daughter after all.

Shit Or Go Blind

Oh my good lord what a mental day, non feckin' stop. And it pissed with rain all day and I got soaked, twice.... fantastic. I managed to get myself to the diabetic shrink this morning and spilled out the whole tale of woe for the last 2 weeks, she's so concerned I'm on the verge of pure madness she wants to see me again next month instead of in 3 - whoopee, check out my bad self, I'm extra crazy now! Is there any wonder with all this shit? I've got my first dose of the new antidepressant and I have swallowed it, I have serious reservations as to whether it'll make a crap's worth of difference but hey ho, we'll give it a whirl.

Then of course it was onto the introduction to self help bollocks down at the mental health team HQ, unusual group of suspects down there, tried to be friendly and upbeat, make mates, y'know. Sat next to a nice girl who I think was gay, but then again I got called male so maybe I have grown a dick, shouldn't make assumptions, bad girl. I signed up for one about beating the 'black dog' as I may as well make an effort to try beat this spiral of hopelessness off, what do I have to lose? My sanity maybe, but that buggered off years ago.

Then I went and sorted out my meds at my new pharmacy, which I might add are wonderful compared to the last shower of pure shit, no more monthly arguments - yay! Anyway, they gave me a whole 2 bags of a month of meds, I have more drugs than a mofo and I'm going to enjoy getting blasted on every one I can, reality doesn't appeal to me right now so bugger it, going to get wasted as I possibly can for as long as I can.... there's the truth, not pretty in print but those are the facts, Caroline gonna get f*cked up!

I bought a hair trimmer, going to keep it short now it's this length because I love it like this, so easy to care for and I like the style, mother will have to deal with people thinking I'm a lesbian, ha! In fact I may play up to it just to piss her prejudice off.... gay and f*cked off my face on prescription meds, sounds like a plan!!!

(Disclaimer: Acting out today because I'm in a bit of a state, I don't normally behave so stupidly do I? Just all getting too much weight to bear again, I'll be good tomorrow, honest)