The Maze

Blimey..... Age Concern woman was shit hot at her job today. She blew me out of the water in terms of knowledge of pension credit and all that and swept through the lot like a tidal wave, more power to her elbow I say! I just loitered a bit and sneaked out for smokes. Mum is going to have to find out I enjoy a puff, gonna have to fess up and face the backlash, it can't be any worse than the shit mess we're in right now, but hopefully for not much longer, Caroline will conquer.

Sorted the house insurance out too whilst I was there, now that that's out the way I can plow on with finding my way through the probate maze, we need legal advice, and pronto. That costs though, and collectively we are a bit skint right now. My next conversation is with the undertaker about how we can't pay them, that's going to be an interesting one, should I sell tickets? Mum just found out she'll have a very small income for 12 weeks so they can go whistle, frankly. I'll do it face to face I think, more wriggle room for bargaining I reckon, we'll see.

I'm doing ok in general, no tears or thoughts of tears, maybe I'm in denial again, I love that place after all, but no..... no feelings of gloom as such, just ticking along. Mum REALLY doesn't want me to speak at the funeral, no idea why, too bad really, told the vicar I will now so no backing down, if it takes me 3 soddin' hours I'll get it out!! Someone in this family needs a pair of balls, and oh yes, looky here.... it's Caroline again, and I'm the youngest I reckon. Jeeeeeesus, probably nobody else will say anything because there wasn't much good to say in the last few years, oh lordy no. But we'll see I suppose.

Mother actually acknowledged my efforts in front of Age Concern woman today, but only because she was there and she praised my efforts for sorting things out for mum, "I don't know how I'd have managed without Caroline" And no, nor does Caroline know how you'd have managed, feck all would have been done! That's all I wanted, a thank you, show you give a crap for my efforts, it's not much to ask, is it? You can keep the money, not interested at all, just a thank you.

Shit Or Go Blind

Oh my good lord what a mental day, non feckin' stop. And it pissed with rain all day and I got soaked, twice.... fantastic. I managed to get myself to the diabetic shrink this morning and spilled out the whole tale of woe for the last 2 weeks, she's so concerned I'm on the verge of pure madness she wants to see me again next month instead of in 3 - whoopee, check out my bad self, I'm extra crazy now! Is there any wonder with all this shit? I've got my first dose of the new antidepressant and I have swallowed it, I have serious reservations as to whether it'll make a crap's worth of difference but hey ho, we'll give it a whirl.

Then of course it was onto the introduction to self help bollocks down at the mental health team HQ, unusual group of suspects down there, tried to be friendly and upbeat, make mates, y'know. Sat next to a nice girl who I think was gay, but then again I got called male so maybe I have grown a dick, shouldn't make assumptions, bad girl. I signed up for one about beating the 'black dog' as I may as well make an effort to try beat this spiral of hopelessness off, what do I have to lose? My sanity maybe, but that buggered off years ago.

Then I went and sorted out my meds at my new pharmacy, which I might add are wonderful compared to the last shower of pure shit, no more monthly arguments - yay! Anyway, they gave me a whole 2 bags of a month of meds, I have more drugs than a mofo and I'm going to enjoy getting blasted on every one I can, reality doesn't appeal to me right now so bugger it, going to get wasted as I possibly can for as long as I can.... there's the truth, not pretty in print but those are the facts, Caroline gonna get f*cked up!

I bought a hair trimmer, going to keep it short now it's this length because I love it like this, so easy to care for and I like the style, mother will have to deal with people thinking I'm a lesbian, ha! In fact I may play up to it just to piss her prejudice off.... gay and f*cked off my face on prescription meds, sounds like a plan!!!

(Disclaimer: Acting out today because I'm in a bit of a state, I don't normally behave so stupidly do I? Just all getting too much weight to bear again, I'll be good tomorrow, honest)