Down Time

A day of rest! Done naff all of any note so this will be a thrilling entry won't it? Spent most of the day popping painkillers and talking to 'LS' about life, the universe and pictures of men she's been sent over Plenty Of Fish (dregs of humanity dating website, for the uninformed)

Still have no clue whether to sell dad's gun or have it doctored so it's an ornament, not that I am in the least money motivated but I guess I need to know what it's worth, and have the other two looked at as potential candidates for being melted down into ashtrays, I don't give a hoot about either of those, sorry dad. If I could sell that gun case he has to pay for the main one to be deactivated and still pay money towards the probate I'd be laughing, but my experience of life tells me I could never hope to be that lucky. We'll see next Saturday I guess, I think I may go with the guy taking them just to hear it with my own ears from the gun dealer, I never trust anyone where money is concerned, another lesson life has taught me. Cynical aren't I? Have we met?

So yeah, not much doing.... enjoying a bit of late night peace to decompress and think, but not too much, my brain can't handle the events of the last month in too large a slice. 25th today, a month exactly since dad died, have no idea where that time has gone, flashed by in a whirl, most of it with my ear glued to the phone it seems, and more calls next week, sigh.... I'll get through it slowly, letting myself rest a bit without losing the momentum I need to roll over this hump and carry on. I'd lose the plot if I didn't let myself breathe a bit,  bad enough that I reckon I'll be grey by the time we're done here!

Off out visiting to chair peace talks tomorrow between 'LS' and her daughter, hopefully that'll make an impact on the WW3 they seems to have there on a daily basis, fingers crossed. Plus it'll get me out and stop me overthinking, a dreadful habit of mine I must stop... like biting the skin on my fingers, which I have taken up again this past few weeks, and I was doing so well with it too, ooopsy.

The Phoenix

Well, apparently the word on the street is my little funeral speech hit the spot with a lot of people, which is nice and I seem to have achieved what I set out to do.... dispel a lot of myths that have surrounded me all my life, that I'm stupid, that I'm useless, that I'm a waste of good skin, etc etc. Maybe these are things I have only thought of myself, borne of years of being told them over and over but now I feel a sense of pride in myself that I haven't really encountered before...

I really f*cking showed them all what I could do didn't I?

Is it wrong to gloat? Pride is a sin after all, but I haven't felt a lot of that in myself in my life. I feel proud I stood up and was counted when it mattered most, I was the one with the balls to get up in front of a church of people I barely know (apart from my close mates) and give a funny, touching and bittersweet eulogy to a man I loved, and at times hated, in equal measure. What happened to that shy little girl I used to be? I guess I grew up to be a fighter, I had to fight to get through what I did and I never once let it beat me, even when the ex nearly snuffed out the tiny flame I had left, I rose up again and didn't let it stop me. All things considered, I turned into a pretty ok human being with good friends around me who see who I am and like me for it, and that is no coincidence... the moment I said to myself "Hey, you're ok you know" I have had more friends come my way than at any other time in my life, the minute I grew comfortable with myself was the moment I started to shine like I should have done all along. If I'd not been beaten down I could have achieved great things, and I may still do, now I feel that the sky could be the limit for ol' Caroline if she tries, even the vicar agrees! (See email pic, ha!) I will at some point publish the contents of said speech so you all can understand the reference to the hammer and polo mints, honest!

I hope if there is such a thing as the afterlife that father is marginally pleased with the results of my writing, I don't have too many things I really shine at but writing can be one of them, sometimes I'm so on point on this blog I scare myself, sometimes the words just come out right and this entry may be one of them. I spent 20 mins up the graveyard hanging with dear pater and the rest of the distant rellies earlier, not by choice I can assure you, it's all rather a bit grim really, but this pic is kinda poignant I suppose.

Dust To Dust

Nailed it.... the eulogy that is. Was that ever in doubt? I think not.

I told you I would, watch me go. When I make up my mind to do something I fookin' well do it, and that's it, end of story, especially when mother says I can't, steely determination personified, stubborn as hell and bloody minded like my dear old dad. So yeah.... people seemed to like it, got a lot of compliments, especially his old work mates when I held up the hammer, it raised an audible chuckle and that's what I wanted, no sad shit, just let's all have a laugh about the good times. He wouldn't have wanted us all sat there with the sour puss... nah, he'd have been enjoying seeing all his work buddies, just like they enjoyed meeting up and seeing each other again, a reunion as such, how nice, I'm pleased. Anyway, he left the address, the place where he was born, for the last time about 11.50am in the hearse and yes I took pics, I won't look at them often but it's nice to have a record I suppose. It would have been nice if the bloke had opened the hall at 11am like he said he would, I nearly went mental! And then the undertaker got lost, good start, no? Mate 'S' managed to sob her way through my 'Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep' poem though, had to bounce up, rub her back and push her through it, maybe I should have done that after my eulogy myself? Might have cracked me up though.

I was ok with my mother crying a bit as we sat alone together in the first pew, all on our own. I held her hand for a bit, yes, I found the courage to reach out and I think she appreciated it. I on the other hand was completely in the zone, didn't even get close to shedding a tear, like an emotionless robot I was, I knew I'd have to go on autopilot but man.... surpassed myself there. Glad really, I had so many people to talk to and so many hands to shake that if I were a wreck I couldn't have done it. I threw dad his polos into the hole along with a rose, I never break a promise. Had a bit of diazepam to grease the wheels I won't lie and after 'S', the ex and myself adjourned to the pub I managed to get a bit pissed on 1 and a half pints of beer, oh the shame of my lightweightness! 'SG' came up to join up for a swift half and we had a jolly old time. Only ones that were missing was 'L' who came to the service as he promised me he would, but had to get off before we came up the pub, and 'LS' who wasn't well, it was nice to have a couple of mates there though to raise a glass to dad.

I was a bit disappointed with my flowers for £65, I couldn't hardly see they spelt out 'Dad' and it pissed me off a bit, they could have been done better frankly.... what do y'all reckon? Oh well, shit happens, bugger all I can do about it now. I wrote on the card 'Dad, will miss you more than you'll ever know' and that seemed to sum it up. I did end up catching the next door neighbour's grandson and having a good old chat, 'M' was like my little brother when we were growing up, I wrote about him a while back when he dad got attacked and they didn't know if he was going to live and despite the ridiculous row my dad was having with his parents and grandparents I felt in my gut I had to contact him. That was fantastic and now I have his mobile number and we'll stay closer than we have been I hope as I have been mates with him almost since the moment he was born, you can't get much more early than that for a blossoming friendship. So that was a positive thing out of a crappy day.

I survived in one piece, that was the main thing, now to start the healing, with a day of complete rest for me and deal with the rest of the shit he's left behind again tomorrow.

Becoming The Lion

Something strange has happened to me in the last 2 weeks or so, I have become intensely protective of my mother. This is peculiar to me, we've never been 'close' at all, ever, yet if anyone tried to hurt or upset her now I'd rip their heads off. I'm all she has now, and she's all I have and suddenly I feel like the parent and she's the child in a way.... it's bizarre. Like the nonsense with the benefit people not paying her for 12 weeks, I would eat beans on toast and super noodles before I'd let her go without anything. I'd sell my Raleigh Burners, even though I love them, to feed her and pay her bills, no hesitation at all...... why? That's the question, why would I suddenly change my apathy, as such, and now become like a lioness guarding her cubs?

She's treating me like a substitute for my father, that much I have figured out, and if that's the way it's got to be for her to be happy and comfortable then, it will be so. I think she's too old and too set in her ways to become a independent woman running her own house and life, she's had my father there for 51 years doing all the arranging of stuff, she has no clue how to do it, should I push her to do it herself? Not now, no. She's just lost the only man she ever loved, even if he was a complete bastard to her most of the time, it's left a huge hole in her life and she floundering, big time. Ok, so if I need to take over and make sure everything is done then so be it, all of a sudden my mission is clear, I will look after her in a way my father didn't, he's left her penniless - apart from the greatest asset, the house. I don't want my share of what probate says I can get, it's her house, she bloody earned it, trust me.

Been on the phone again most of the morning, trying to get some progress about probate and what a total head f*ck that is! Good God alive, my head nearly exploded, seriously, it did, I had to hang up before I lost all sanity. Spoken with a lovely lady at the charity I approached a week or so back who has signposted me to another charity I may be able to scrounge burial money off, this is getting a bit ridiculous, talk about hanging out the begging bowl! But if I can get another sum out of them too I can tell the DWP to go f*ck themselves and we won't have to involve them, the costs would then be manageable and my mother wouldn't have such a financial burden, here's hoping, they're my first call in the morning that's for sure!!

Y'know what? In this last 3 weeks I think I've finally grown up, all the way, at last. I feel like a proper adult.... not sure I like all the shit that comes with it but I feel like a grown up, at 45, better late than never eh?