Stone Me

Just had a day of friendship and frolics, it's a nightmare being popular! Spent a couple of hours with my mate 'SG' painting some stones and having a good old chat, was delightful to just get out and do something not related to death for a change. God only knows what I painted as they ended up looking like aliens, I forgot what a ladybird looked like for the love of all things holy! Anyway, it was lovely. And I've just rolled in from the pub after a pint and a half of lovely cold Coors with my other mate 'J' who I know from school, we had a nice chat about pensions and wills, as you do when you're bloody old.

Slept for 12 hours almost last night, tonight I doubt I will as I need time to decompress and wind down for bed and it's already 11pm, ah well. I can make do with 7 hours these days and still function... sort of. I am considerably less stressed since the funeral, I refuse to get excitable about stupid shit now, I cannot do it, I will go insane, therefore... not happening. I need to look after myself so I can look after mum, or else we're both screwed. I like my new relaxed attitude, I wonder how long it'll last?

The Phoenix

Well, apparently the word on the street is my little funeral speech hit the spot with a lot of people, which is nice and I seem to have achieved what I set out to do.... dispel a lot of myths that have surrounded me all my life, that I'm stupid, that I'm useless, that I'm a waste of good skin, etc etc. Maybe these are things I have only thought of myself, borne of years of being told them over and over but now I feel a sense of pride in myself that I haven't really encountered before...

I really f*cking showed them all what I could do didn't I?

Is it wrong to gloat? Pride is a sin after all, but I haven't felt a lot of that in myself in my life. I feel proud I stood up and was counted when it mattered most, I was the one with the balls to get up in front of a church of people I barely know (apart from my close mates) and give a funny, touching and bittersweet eulogy to a man I loved, and at times hated, in equal measure. What happened to that shy little girl I used to be? I guess I grew up to be a fighter, I had to fight to get through what I did and I never once let it beat me, even when the ex nearly snuffed out the tiny flame I had left, I rose up again and didn't let it stop me. All things considered, I turned into a pretty ok human being with good friends around me who see who I am and like me for it, and that is no coincidence... the moment I said to myself "Hey, you're ok you know" I have had more friends come my way than at any other time in my life, the minute I grew comfortable with myself was the moment I started to shine like I should have done all along. If I'd not been beaten down I could have achieved great things, and I may still do, now I feel that the sky could be the limit for ol' Caroline if she tries, even the vicar agrees! (See email pic, ha!) I will at some point publish the contents of said speech so you all can understand the reference to the hammer and polo mints, honest!

I hope if there is such a thing as the afterlife that father is marginally pleased with the results of my writing, I don't have too many things I really shine at but writing can be one of them, sometimes I'm so on point on this blog I scare myself, sometimes the words just come out right and this entry may be one of them. I spent 20 mins up the graveyard hanging with dear pater and the rest of the distant rellies earlier, not by choice I can assure you, it's all rather a bit grim really, but this pic is kinda poignant I suppose.

It's Good To Gloat

I think today was a good day, as best as days can get under these circumstances, but I was happy there for a while this afternoon and morning, things were almost normal'ish for a while. The real smug cherry was the look on Dr Weaselface's face when he saw my blood test results from a few weeks back - ha, ya twat! Didn't see that one coming did you? Oh the smug was epic and worth every single second of open mouthed unbelief from him, it felt fantastic, what a great moment to be alive, to see his gobsmacked little mush..... oh it was pure poetry. I don't get moments like that very often so I will dine out on that for quite a while.

Other things accomplished today include sorting meds with nice prescription manager in doctors, being snotty with the pharmacy and telling them I want them ready when I walk in tomorrow because not a single f*ck is now given about my attitude with those morons in there. Buying lots of diet coke in Asda, buying other shit in Poundland, buying milk bread an cheese in Iceland, Having a milkshake and just generally strutting about feeling ok about things.

I did write a eulogy draft for the funeral, might need to practice it but I do want to read it myself if I possibly can, I really do! I need to say these things out loud. Good job I have the diabetic shrink on Thursday to talk this one through, as well as it turns out the bloody other therapy course for 2 hours, got the day wrong, there really is no rest for the wicked, I suppose it'll keep me busy and not thinking  for a while though, bonus.

Tomorrow? Bank, buying flowers, paying undertaker, pictures, order of service, does it ever bloody end? Please, I pray it does.