Money Or Memories

I'm in a quandary, sort of, well.... I know what I want but it may not be feasible. I want to keep my dad's Aya shotgun, for sentimental reasons, not sell it like my mother is suggesting for monetary gain. I just did a quick Google and saw one for sale for £19,000, is that a price worth selling my good memories for? Mum wants me to sell them. The fond times I had with my dad when he let me come shooting with him and I sat in the hide quiet as a mouse with Sally our dog, excited so much my dad - my hero, my superman - had let me come along. I want the gun but I have a money problem, I don't have much, and I've just found out that probate could cost me £600 to give my own mother her own house.... I'm confused and upset by it.

If only my dad had left a will, why didn't he? Was this his final act of 'f*ck you' to my mother and myself? Was he really that intent on destroying us both? I stood up in church and told happy stories of what my dad meant to me, which was everything, but they were all before the age of 15 when he suddenly turned on me and the years of torment began. No, it wasn't just him that shot me down, but he was the main perpetrator, I was suicidal at 17, such a young age to be so tormented, he made me think that part of me was so repulsive that I spent years soul searching trying to find it and get rid of it. I asked a few weeks back when my penance would end and then it did, on 25th July, I guess I got the answer to my question eh?

I just love the fact I made all their mouths fall open as I eloquently read my witty and well prepared speech at the funeral, the stupid one came good, in a big way. They all wrote me off and I surprised them all, I feel pretty good about that and I think I should, pride is a pretty unfamiliar emotion to me, it would have meant so much to me to hear my dad say the words "I'm proud of you", nothing would have made me happier in the world in fact, nothing.

I'm a bit worried about these antidepressants and what they're doing to me, I've almost turned into an emotionless robot, it worries me, life has pain and we all have to feel it to be real, I don't want to be numb to everything, scary. I didn't once cry or even think of crying at my own father's funeral, that's wrong isn't it? That I looked at the coffin and it meant nothing to me, he went 4 weeks ago as far as I'm concerned, not Tuesday in that crappy little wooden box, which he probably creosoted as he did everything else.

Otherwise busy still, having a house meeting with 'LS' and her daughter Sunday, try and sort some stuff out. Got a working toilet again - yay! About bloody time I say, it's only been 4 weeks. Been up since 6.45am, need some sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, big time.

Dust To Dust

Nailed it.... the eulogy that is. Was that ever in doubt? I think not.

I told you I would, watch me go. When I make up my mind to do something I fookin' well do it, and that's it, end of story, especially when mother says I can't, steely determination personified, stubborn as hell and bloody minded like my dear old dad. So yeah.... people seemed to like it, got a lot of compliments, especially his old work mates when I held up the hammer, it raised an audible chuckle and that's what I wanted, no sad shit, just let's all have a laugh about the good times. He wouldn't have wanted us all sat there with the sour puss... nah, he'd have been enjoying seeing all his work buddies, just like they enjoyed meeting up and seeing each other again, a reunion as such, how nice, I'm pleased. Anyway, he left the address, the place where he was born, for the last time about 11.50am in the hearse and yes I took pics, I won't look at them often but it's nice to have a record I suppose. It would have been nice if the bloke had opened the hall at 11am like he said he would, I nearly went mental! And then the undertaker got lost, good start, no? Mate 'S' managed to sob her way through my 'Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep' poem though, had to bounce up, rub her back and push her through it, maybe I should have done that after my eulogy myself? Might have cracked me up though.

I was ok with my mother crying a bit as we sat alone together in the first pew, all on our own. I held her hand for a bit, yes, I found the courage to reach out and I think she appreciated it. I on the other hand was completely in the zone, didn't even get close to shedding a tear, like an emotionless robot I was, I knew I'd have to go on autopilot but man.... surpassed myself there. Glad really, I had so many people to talk to and so many hands to shake that if I were a wreck I couldn't have done it. I threw dad his polos into the hole along with a rose, I never break a promise. Had a bit of diazepam to grease the wheels I won't lie and after 'S', the ex and myself adjourned to the pub I managed to get a bit pissed on 1 and a half pints of beer, oh the shame of my lightweightness! 'SG' came up to join up for a swift half and we had a jolly old time. Only ones that were missing was 'L' who came to the service as he promised me he would, but had to get off before we came up the pub, and 'LS' who wasn't well, it was nice to have a couple of mates there though to raise a glass to dad.

I was a bit disappointed with my flowers for £65, I couldn't hardly see they spelt out 'Dad' and it pissed me off a bit, they could have been done better frankly.... what do y'all reckon? Oh well, shit happens, bugger all I can do about it now. I wrote on the card 'Dad, will miss you more than you'll ever know' and that seemed to sum it up. I did end up catching the next door neighbour's grandson and having a good old chat, 'M' was like my little brother when we were growing up, I wrote about him a while back when he dad got attacked and they didn't know if he was going to live and despite the ridiculous row my dad was having with his parents and grandparents I felt in my gut I had to contact him. That was fantastic and now I have his mobile number and we'll stay closer than we have been I hope as I have been mates with him almost since the moment he was born, you can't get much more early than that for a blossoming friendship. So that was a positive thing out of a crappy day.

I survived in one piece, that was the main thing, now to start the healing, with a day of complete rest for me and deal with the rest of the shit he's left behind again tomorrow.

Drowning

Not only does my life suck balls right now but now my £75 quid keyboard has stopped glowing so I can bloody see it in the dark.... which I the main reason I effin' bought it!!! I dunno if I've pressed something and turned it off or what the hell is happening here. Maybe if I do a PC restart it may come back on but I have shitloads of bloody tabs open dealing with the hilarity of finding a company to empty my mother's septic tank!

Yes, my life really has turned to shit, or trying to find a company to get rid of it at a price that won't make us all die of shock. Oh man, the house insurance won't deal with me without mum being there to give consent but Scottish Power were very good and now that's sorted, thank the lord, one success today at least, one to tick off the list at least. No call from car insurance though and the undertakers are still dodging the question about whether they're digging a double or single grave.... FFS!! I have asked the woman twice now by email and nothing, she can expect a visit if I don't hear anything by Wednesday, had enough. Why my mother can't just phone and ask her is a source of mystery to me, since it's her grave and all that, Jesus, throw me a frikkin' bone here!

She just seems to be content to take a back seat whilst I run myself ragged over every little detail, apparently I learn we've had about 30 sympathy cards for our loss, and I think I have seen 1 out of all of them... it's just doing my head in, at some point she needs to get a grip and realise she needs to learn how to do this stuff for herself, is this going to be my life now? I'm being my dad to her, sorting everything, I may look like him but I'm not HIM and she needs to stand on her own two feet in this world like I do, like I bloody HAD to when I moved out and took on the big bad world.... well, I say moved but it was more like made a run for it from father's put downs and temper.

Talking with his neighbour's daughter today had me so ashamed I nearly got emotional, about how his tyranny stopped this poor woman of 90'ish going into her garden if he was about, just scaring her and making her upset for no reason except he didn't like her fir tree and started threats of solicitors and all sorts. I was genuinely upset for her and my gut is telling me I need to go see her and say sorry, I trust my gut now, it's the right thing to do, I know it is.

So many emotions going on right now, being in his garage with the chair he used to sit in, with the packets of seed potatoes we got together not long ago, looking at his vegetable garden..... the child in me wants her daddy back, as bad as he was to me. I want to be carried up the stairs like 'a sack of spuds' as he used to say, to go out to his friends house on a Saturday morning and sit under the table being quiet as a mouse as they talked. Yet I remember what he used to say to me, destroy me with words and because of that I'm in the mental health system. It's not all his fault, mother is a master of insensitivity and subtle put downs, I learnt early on in my life never to show emotions, keep how you feel secret, because of her.....

I guess I'm just rambling now but it needs an outlet, I'm angry at the moment, angry this whole thing has happened, maybe angry at dad for leaving me, leaving me to deal with all this shit. God, I'm going to need some counselling after this, I was struggling before this, before the weight of the world fell on my crumbling shoulders. And I'm a bit upset that someone I thought was there for me seems to backed off, death isn't pleasant and I get people don't want to be around it but...... just feeling a bit let down, I'm still the same old me, it may have changed me in subtle ways but still I stay the same don't I?

Capri For Me

Well, I tried to go out and do normal things, like go to a car show... which I did, and it was very pleasant. Had a good old drool over the Capri's as usual, I will own one one day, I'm determined I will at some point but I'd better start saving in a serious manner. The ex can smell the money and seems to be being extra nice to me, wonder why? Hmmmm, well let's think.....  I'm wise to him though, he won't get a pot to piss in from me!

It's going to be short and sweet today, I'm so tired I need my bed, I'm so tired I. I can't type. Need some decent sleep and fast.....

Weight Of The World

I truly feel like I have a million bricks on my shoulders right now. I have done everything required of a dutiful daughter today, taking the mother into the bank, the photo shop, the supermarket, the chemist... yet still when she phones me I just get yelled at for trying to explain how I'm working through the pile of people who need telling the father went and dropped f*cking dead on us 2 weeks ago. I'm doing my best here, she's blind to it, she was blind to her own domestic abuse and blind to the fact her husband systematically emotionally beat down her child until there was not much left at all, just a pile of goo and bones.

I feel a bit like going into the middle of the woods and screaming.

I will get to the end of the things to do eventually though one hopes. We went and finalised the funeral service this afternoon, so that's all done. Of course I let mum have her way about which pic to have on the front of the service booklet, she can have what she wants, my pic can go on the back, does it even matter? Apparently we're getting a mock up so we can see which we like best, but it's a done deal as far as she's concerned, I'm left with no stomach for a fight over any of it any more, do what you like and charge over £4000 for it people, knock yourselves out.......

Oh and a quote from mum's mate to end.....

"Hope you are coping ok, your mum tells me she couldn't have managed without you. xx"

Huh... who knew.