Random thoughts on random days in random houses

External tokens of success massage your ego, but ego is the first to desert you in the end. People that require you to have more tokens in order to value you, do not matter.

Most of the people you meet did not matter in the beginning, and surely will not matter in the end. They are the noise that train you to appreciate serenity.

In the end, no one knows the end.

The fire in the hearts of men, sends smoke to their brains, clouding judgment. The nobler the passion, the lighter the cloud.

Unhappiness is usually birthed by comparison.

You can’t change your circumstances, and, you can change your circumstances. Both hold true at the same time.

Archers know that farther targets require higher aims.

Man designs his cage and rewards himself for liberation efforts.

What is really important to you? Create time for it now. Create time for it daily.

Daily processes (and tasks) compound into habits. Habits are pointers to destiny.

- Osasu Oviawe

Wake-Up Alarms

The interesting thing about alarm clocks is that you already know whether the clock will get you out of bed in the morning or just become a transition device from deep sleep to snoozing.

It is not the alarm that wakes us up. It is not what lies ahead of our day. It is not what happened the previous day. It is not what happened that night. It is our priority, our choice.

I have had days where I turned the snooze button to an endless loop of dissatisfaction. Never really feeling refreshed after forty winks.
I have had days where I did not even bother to turn off the alarm. I just continued in deep sleep. Too tired to be bothered.
I have had days where I woke up before my alarm. Alive and lively, already plugged in to game time mode.
I have had days where I turned off the alarm before going to bed. Giving free rein to my body’s clock. Getting up immediately I am up and starting the day. 

Wake-up alarms do not wake us up. They are a signal. You choose whether to take the sign or ignore it. Each choice has a cross. Choose your cross wisely. You never know how long the journey ahead will be.

There are various wake-up alarms in our lives. Please wake-up, now.

- Osasu Oviawe

The Steady Plod

Well, I'm still plodding on, lots of stuff to be doing still but I'm making a dent in the pile slowly. So many things to do and people to tell, it is exhausting frankly at times but I'm still going. My friends have been a tower of strength and I can't thank them enough for it, they've kept me going, especially 'LS' who has been fantastic.

'LS' has been assaulted by her man today and I'm fuming at him, want to batter him for touching her, it's never ok to do that. I suppose violence back isn't the answer but I don't want her hurt anymore, she's worth more than that. She's got the most generous heart and soul of any person I have ever met, and I will protect her if I have to, whatever that takes.

I've actually had a day of doing nothing, apart from chat on the phone to friends, not related to father at all! I did have a bit of a breakdown moment last night over the death announcement in the newspaper, just made it too damn real for a minute. Also I have to approve the final details for the order of service book for the funeral as mother is 'too stressed', what fun eh? Still, we'll get through.

Going to a car show tomorrow, hoping for some light relief there, it's a classic ford one so Capri's ahoy! I love drooling over them and maybe when mum sells the house she might buy me one eh? Oh yeah.....we can hope, haha.

Shit Or Go Blind

Oh my good lord what a mental day, non feckin' stop. And it pissed with rain all day and I got soaked, twice.... fantastic. I managed to get myself to the diabetic shrink this morning and spilled out the whole tale of woe for the last 2 weeks, she's so concerned I'm on the verge of pure madness she wants to see me again next month instead of in 3 - whoopee, check out my bad self, I'm extra crazy now! Is there any wonder with all this shit? I've got my first dose of the new antidepressant and I have swallowed it, I have serious reservations as to whether it'll make a crap's worth of difference but hey ho, we'll give it a whirl.

Then of course it was onto the introduction to self help bollocks down at the mental health team HQ, unusual group of suspects down there, tried to be friendly and upbeat, make mates, y'know. Sat next to a nice girl who I think was gay, but then again I got called male so maybe I have grown a dick, shouldn't make assumptions, bad girl. I signed up for one about beating the 'black dog' as I may as well make an effort to try beat this spiral of hopelessness off, what do I have to lose? My sanity maybe, but that buggered off years ago.

Then I went and sorted out my meds at my new pharmacy, which I might add are wonderful compared to the last shower of pure shit, no more monthly arguments - yay! Anyway, they gave me a whole 2 bags of a month of meds, I have more drugs than a mofo and I'm going to enjoy getting blasted on every one I can, reality doesn't appeal to me right now so bugger it, going to get wasted as I possibly can for as long as I can.... there's the truth, not pretty in print but those are the facts, Caroline gonna get f*cked up!

I bought a hair trimmer, going to keep it short now it's this length because I love it like this, so easy to care for and I like the style, mother will have to deal with people thinking I'm a lesbian, ha! In fact I may play up to it just to piss her prejudice off.... gay and f*cked off my face on prescription meds, sounds like a plan!!!

(Disclaimer: Acting out today because I'm in a bit of a state, I don't normally behave so stupidly do I? Just all getting too much weight to bear again, I'll be good tomorrow, honest)

Weight Of The World

I truly feel like I have a million bricks on my shoulders right now. I have done everything required of a dutiful daughter today, taking the mother into the bank, the photo shop, the supermarket, the chemist... yet still when she phones me I just get yelled at for trying to explain how I'm working through the pile of people who need telling the father went and dropped f*cking dead on us 2 weeks ago. I'm doing my best here, she's blind to it, she was blind to her own domestic abuse and blind to the fact her husband systematically emotionally beat down her child until there was not much left at all, just a pile of goo and bones.

I feel a bit like going into the middle of the woods and screaming.

I will get to the end of the things to do eventually though one hopes. We went and finalised the funeral service this afternoon, so that's all done. Of course I let mum have her way about which pic to have on the front of the service booklet, she can have what she wants, my pic can go on the back, does it even matter? Apparently we're getting a mock up so we can see which we like best, but it's a done deal as far as she's concerned, I'm left with no stomach for a fight over any of it any more, do what you like and charge over £4000 for it people, knock yourselves out.......

Oh and a quote from mum's mate to end.....

"Hope you are coping ok, your mum tells me she couldn't have managed without you. xx"

Huh... who knew.

It's Good To Gloat

I think today was a good day, as best as days can get under these circumstances, but I was happy there for a while this afternoon and morning, things were almost normal'ish for a while. The real smug cherry was the look on Dr Weaselface's face when he saw my blood test results from a few weeks back - ha, ya twat! Didn't see that one coming did you? Oh the smug was epic and worth every single second of open mouthed unbelief from him, it felt fantastic, what a great moment to be alive, to see his gobsmacked little mush..... oh it was pure poetry. I don't get moments like that very often so I will dine out on that for quite a while.

Other things accomplished today include sorting meds with nice prescription manager in doctors, being snotty with the pharmacy and telling them I want them ready when I walk in tomorrow because not a single f*ck is now given about my attitude with those morons in there. Buying lots of diet coke in Asda, buying other shit in Poundland, buying milk bread an cheese in Iceland, Having a milkshake and just generally strutting about feeling ok about things.

I did write a eulogy draft for the funeral, might need to practice it but I do want to read it myself if I possibly can, I really do! I need to say these things out loud. Good job I have the diabetic shrink on Thursday to talk this one through, as well as it turns out the bloody other therapy course for 2 hours, got the day wrong, there really is no rest for the wicked, I suppose it'll keep me busy and not thinking  for a while though, bonus.

Tomorrow? Bank, buying flowers, paying undertaker, pictures, order of service, does it ever bloody end? Please, I pray it does.

ANDs and ORs

We are always forced to believe that the choices we face come with the dilemma of the “OR”.
You are either chasing market share or profitability.
You are either making profits or losses.
You are either a success or a failure.
You are either engaged or disengaged.
You are either good or bad.

We are constantly faced with the binary choice of 0 or 1. Asked to take a side. Required to defend that side. Destined to die on that side. Never living the whole.

This is why I love the concept of “Strong opinions, weakly held”.

You can chase market share and profitability. You are leading.
You can be making profits and losses. You are innovating.
You can be a success and a failure. You are growing.
You can be engaged and disengaged. You are thinking.
You can be good and bad. You are human.

It is in the ANDs of life that your genius is born.

You can even have ANDs and ORs. 

No one should limit your ANDs.

- Osasu Oviawe